MASS EFFECT 3: The Mass Erectest

[gravedigger]

Should not have played this demo. Will stab a dude for it to be the 6th right now.

[Master Shake]

Goddamn, the multiplayer is fun with a team of micced people. Setting up killzones, designating perimeter defenders, having a group snipe from afar while a Sentinel and Vanguard tear shit up in the middle of things. Goddamn fun and addictive.

Oh, and in that scenario? I'm the Vanguard. Because hiding behind cover for shield recharge is for pussies and the Volus. Also I like having more kills than everybody else and if they wanted the kills so badly they would be out here punching fools with magic fists like I am.

So Your Friend Is A Vanguard: A helpful guide for those who have never before encountered the blue berserkers.

[Abraham Smashington]

I haven't played this demo or watched any trailers for weeks. CANNOT WAIT for release day...

[gravedigger]

Monday is a holiday so what will I be doing? Probably playing MP all day long.

[Master Shake]

Goddammit if I see one more pubbie Vanguard just shooting an assault rifle and not charging...

  Spoiler: Time for a David Mamet-styled pep talk 

Baldwin: Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(puts out his cigarette)...bitching about that wave you botched, some Phantom that one-shot you, some Guardian that blocked your melee, some turret that you never saw before it downed you. Let's talk about something important. (to Admiral Hackett) Are they all here?

Hackett: All but one.

Baldwin: Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important! (to xXMasterChef98Xx) Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for Chargers only. (xXMasterChef98Xx scoffs) Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from Earth. I'm here from Systems Alliance HQ. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's xXMasterChef98Xx?

xXMasterChef98Xx: Yeah.

Baldwin: You call yourself a Vanguard, you son of a bitch?

W33D42069: I don't have to listen to this shit.

Baldwin: You certainly don't pal. 'Cause the good news is -- you're fired. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one chance to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight's match. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month's contest. As you all know, first prize is three Veteran Packs. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a Recruit Pack. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got targets. Systems Alliance HQ paid good money to put you on this planet. Go complete the objectives! You can't hack the computers you're given, you can't hack shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out!!!

xXMasterChef98Xx: The Charge's damage is weak.

Baldwin: 'The damage is weak.' Fucking damage is weak? You're weak. I've been in the killing Cerberus mission for fifteen years.

W33D42069: What's your name?

Baldwin: FUCK YOU, that's my name!! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you rode in a frigate to get here tonight, I came in on a Dreadnought. That's my name!! (to xXMasterChef98Xx) And your name is "you're wanting." And you can't play in a man's game. You can't close them. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your wife your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Kill every traitorous scumbag Cerberus son of a bitch you come across! You hear me, you fucking faggots?

(Baldwin flips over a blackboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and CNMR.)

Baldwin: A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Charging. Always Be Charging! Always Be Charging!! C-N-M-R. Charge, Nova, Melee, Repeat. Charge – have you fucking charged them yet? Nova – followup that goddamned Charge. You don't go in for the kill and use your Tempest; you fuck or walk. You Nova or you hit the bricks! Melee – give it the personal touch because your fists are better than bullets!! And Repeat. C-N-M-R; get out there!! You got the targets comin' in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Cerberus doesn't walk on the map unless he wants to get murdered by you. Sitting out there waiting to stain your armor with their blood! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to W33D42069) What's the problem pal? You. W33D42069.

W33D42069: You're such a hero, you're so badass. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?

(Baldwin sits and lays his Katana X on the table)

Baldwin: You see this shotgun? You see this shotgun?

W33D42069: Yeah.

Baldwin: I got 100,000 points without using it last match. How much you get? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you -- go home and play with your kids!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? Kill Cerberus agents!! (to V3RN3R) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this -- how can you take the abuse you get in a Gold match?! You don't like it -- leave. I can go out there tonight with the difficulty you got, make myself 15,000 points SOLO! Tonight! In two waves! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! C-N-M-R!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to be a Vanguard?



Baldwin: It takes brass balls to be a Vanguard.

Baldwin: Go and do likewise, gents. The targets are out there, you kill it, the points are yours. You don't--I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those waves tonight and close, close, it's yours. If not you're going to be shining my shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) "Oh yeah, I used to be a Vanguard, it's a tough racket." (he pats a large stack of crates tied together with a big pretty ribbon) These are the new shotguns. These are the non-demo shotguns. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Hackett) They're for Chargers. I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. (to W33D42069 as he puts his Katana X back on his armor) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Systems Alliance HQ asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.
(He stares at W33D42069 for a sec, and then picking up his briefcase, goes into inner office with Hackett)

[gravedigger]

[Master Shake]

The last few waves on Gold difficulty...

so many Phantoms...

so many Phantoms...

[Master Shake]

So this is how Japan preps their gaming populace for MASS EFFECT 3: with manga.

And Tali and Liara as schoolgirls. I am not shitting you.

[Abraham Smashington]

haha Wrex is a molester.

[Master Shake]

  Spoiler: New enemy type video: Banshees. Video taken from MP beta map 

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NOOOOOOOOOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOOOOOOOOPE

I'd rather face the Phantoms, and I fucking hate the Phantoms.

[Captain Russ]

Fucking awesome.

[gravedigger]

That shit is crazy.

Also, FOUR DAYS.

[Captain Russ]

Until I can't play it because of deadlines.

[gravedigger]

HOLY SHIT THE LAUNCH TRAILER. BONERZ TO INFINITY AND BEYOND.

[Shit Dickface]

Yeah, jesus christ. I'm a FemShep dude through and through, but yeah.