A Plain Old Joke Thread...

[Matt]

of course she died...she was listening to Bush.

[Shit Dickface]

of course she died...she was listening to Bush.

ahahahhaaaaaa dammit I can't rep you

[V]

Neither can I...

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
So naturally, the wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you! I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes... I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem! It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty five." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

[V]

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies" I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees takes a few big swigs and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle immediately puts the cap on and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

[Lisa]

I LULZ'd, Vin! That was a good one!

A woman is going through a bitter divorce with her husband, and it's gotten really ugly. He's taking her for nearly everything she has, PLUS he was cheating on her.

So, distraught, she takes a walk on the beach to try and clear her head, when she sees a magic lamp wash up on shore. She picks it up, and as she's wiping the sand off of it, a cloud of pink smoke rolls out, and a genie pops up in front of her!

He says, "Thank you for freeing me! I'm going to grant you three wishes - BUT... I already know of your predicament with your divorce. And I must inform you, that whatever you wish for, your soon-to-be ex-husband will get double."

She's shocked - she says, "so if I wish for millions of dollars, that son of a bitch gets TWICE my amount? How is that fair?"

The genie can't help her, so he suggests she try to put it out of her head, and let him know what her three wishes are.

She says, "Okay - I'd like $100 billion... even though it means that asshole will get $200 billion."

The genie says, "Your wish is granted. The next time you check your bank statement, the money will be there."

She says, "Okay, what else? I'd like a gorgeous mansion on the French Riviera. Of course, that no good rat will get TWO mansions."

The genie tells her, "It is granted. After we're done, I'll blink you over to your new mansion."

She tries to think of a third wish. She doesn't want to waste it, she wants it to be a good one. But what to wish for, knowing her ex will get twice what she's getting?

Suddenly, she has an idea. "Genie", she asks, "How about you scare me half to death?"

[Matt]

Three killer jokes in a row...very nice.

[V]

A small town has a monastery on one end, and convent on the other. The nuns need some supplies, so one of the priests is sent to deliver them. It’s a nice day, so he decides to walk the supplies over.

As he gets to the edge of town, a hooker approaches him and asks, “Hey father, how ’bout a blowjob, 25 bucks?”

The priest says, “What’s a blowjob?” at which the hooker laughs and walks away.

At the center of town, another hooker asks the same thing, with the same result.

At the other edge of town, still another hooker asks him the same question, to which the priest again replies, “What’s a blowjob?” And, again, she laughs and walks off.

Finally the priest reaches the convent, knocks on the door, and delivers the supplies. Before he leaves, he says to the mother superior, “May I ask you a question, sister?”

“Of course,” she says.

“What’s a blowjob?” the priest asks.

“Twenty-five bucks,” says the nun, “same as in town.”
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[V]

What'd the hipster say when he walked into the bar?

There are too many fucking hipsters here, let's leave.

[Shit Dickface]

What'd the hipster say when he walked into the bar?

There are too many fucking hipsters here, let's leave.

I've done this.

[V]

What do you call a Muslim with a goat and a sheep?

Bisexual...

[Howard]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Tennessee with two ice chests Full of fish.

He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those Fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there Licenses.

You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back Into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the Truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the Warden says,

"Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH", replied the warden!

"What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as most government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

[I_Cassini]

I like it Howard!

Tornadoes are like southern divorces..... either way, somebody's losing a trailer....

[Howard]

You'll probably like this one too (your's was awesome).

A fellow from Boston was in Louisiana visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable southern way of life-- something he was not accustomed to, being from the north.

While walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the child's aid. He grabbed the dog, pulled him from the child, and choked the dog until he was dead. As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street.

He announced that he was the star reporter for a big Louisiana newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous. "LOUISIANA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH," the headlines would proclaim.

The would-be savior thought that this sounded great, but explained that he was from Boston -- not Louisiana. The next day the headlines of the Louisiana paper read: "YANKEE KILLS FAMILY PET."

[I_Cassini]

I did, I did! I tried to rep you.

[Howard]

What about Little Johnny jokes? I've got a TON of these....

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.

Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, while the government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."