A Plain Old Joke Thread...

[V]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"


A man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says. "The seat is empty."

"That's incredible", said the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1977."

The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No... they're all at the funeral."

[nerdious dorkus]

Why did the dolphin kill itself? Because it had no porpoise in life.

[V]

For Ed...

It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people whoever had a really bad day on the day they had died. On the first morning when the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first woman in line, "Tell me about the day you died."

The woman said, "Oh it was awful. I was sure my husband was having an affair, so I came home early from work one day to catch him in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find the slut anywhere. So finally I went out on the balcony (we lived on the 25th floor) and found this woman hanging over the edge by her fingertips. So I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting her hands. She fell, of course, but she landed in some bushes and lived. So I went inside, got the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony and it crushed her! The strain of the act, though, gave me a heart attack, so I died."

St Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was a crime of passion, so he let the woman enter heaven. He then asked the next woman in line about the day she died.

"Well, sir, it was awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment, when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me but then some crazy bitch came out and started pounding my fingers! I fell, of course, but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then the woman came out and dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckles a bit, lets her into heaven, and decides that he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died, " he said to the first man in line.

"Well, let me tell you. I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator ..."

[Timothy225]

Got a couple that I told on The Other Site (US Patent No. 04476543):

A blind man goes into a drug store. He takes his cane, starts knocking stuff off the shelves. A manager comes up to him and asks "Can I help you, sir?"

Blind guy says "Nah. Just lookin'."

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A young couple, deeply in love, decide to get a little kinky, and sneak into the local cemetery. They find a large, flat, tombstone, and spend the night having sex.

The next day, the girl is feeling severe pain in her lower back. Concerned, she goes to see her doctor, who gives her a check-up. The doctor asks her "How old are you anyway?"

The girl answers "I'm 25. Why?"

Doctor answers "It says on your ass you were born in 1942."

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From John Fox:

Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke-filled room. The fire chief interrupts them and asks "What the hell's going on here?"

The standing fireman answers "Sir! This man was suffering from smoke-inhalation!"

The fire chief asks him "Didn't you give him mouth-to-mouth?"

The fireman answers "I did! How do you think this shit got started?"

[Lisa]

A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a peg leg, an eye patch and a hook hand. The bartender takes one look at him, and says, "Wow! What happened to you?"

The pirate says, "Arrrgg! Me crew mutinied and made me walk the plank into shark infested waters, and that's how I lost me leg, arrrggg!"

The bartender says, "Well, that explains your peg-leg, but what about your hook hand?"

The pirate says, "One of me enemies chopped off me hand when he caught me tryin' to steal his gold dubloons, arrrrg!!"

The bartender asks him, "Okay, but what about your eyepatch? What happened to your eye?"

The pirate says, "Seagull pooped in it."

The bartender says, "A SEAGULL pooped in it, and you lost your eye?"

The pirate says, "Arrrg!!! It was me first day with the hook hand!"

[Ben Thomas]

A saloon in the Wild West. People are minding their business - drinkin', whorin', gamblin'. All of a sudden the saloon doors swing open and Crazy Jack McGee comes in, six shooters blazing. Everyone hits the deck. A stray bullet bounces off the spitoon, up past Loose Bessy, ricochets off a brass light fixture and down into the leg of a dog that was sitting next to the poker table. The dog leaps up, welping and shoots out of the saloon and down the street.

The next day, Crazy Jack McGee is sitting pretty, owning the place. Much as before, everyone is minding their own business. The saloon doors swing open again, and standing on its hind legs, with a bandalero, hat and twin holsters on is a bandaged dog. And in a thick, Texan drawl he snarls, "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot ma paw."

[Lisa]

Ma Paw! I love that!

Okay, so, as a brunette, it's only natural I love blonde jokes. I'll just post one for now, but I have many many MANY to post later. Right now, I'll leave you with my favorite one as a teaser:

What did the blonde say while she was watching the porno movie?

"Look, see! There I am!"

[Timothy225]

Oh, we're doing blonde jokes now? Fine!

A blonde girl excitedly tells her male co-worker she just bought a new car. "Oh, really?" he responds, matter-of-factly. "That's, uh, nice."

The blonde takes offense -"What? You don't think I knew what I was doing? You think I'm just another 'dumb blonde' stereotype? Well, let me tell ya something, buddy! I did my research! I shopped around both in the newspapers and online for the best price for the model I was interested in! I read up on past performance records, crash ratings, options packages, possible recall information, Consumer Reports tests, and also researched opinions of current owners of the car I liked. Then I went to several dealerships and did some test drives until I bought my car with an easily affordable payment plan, and not only that, I made sure I got a decent trade-in value with my previous vehicle."

"Wow!" said her co-worker, amazed. "I stand corrected! You obviously and thoroughly did your homework! Good for you! So, what car did you get?"

The blonde proudly answers "A BLUE one!"

[Lisa]

Hey hey heeeeey!!! Don't go crowdin' in on my territory!

A blonde is sitting at her kitchen table, trying to work on a jigsaw puzzle. She just can't get it, though, it's not happening. She calls her friend the redhead, who's much smarter, and asks for help. The redhead says, "I'll be over in 10 minutes. By the way, what's it supposed to be a picture of?" The blonde says, "A tiger."

So, 10 minutes later, the redhead arrives, takes one look at the assorted mess on the kitchen table, sighs and says, "Don't worry, honey - I'll help you put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[Lisa]

There's this blonde, and she's sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. She feels she would probably get more respect as a brunette, so she dyes her hair dark brown. Filled with new-found confidence, she heads out to take a walk and test her theory.

She passes by a farm, where a farmer is tending to his herd of cattle. She marches up to the farmer and says, "Sir, I'd like to wage a bet with you. If I can guess exactly how many cows are in your herd, I get to keep one and take it home with me." The old farmer mops his forehead with a bandana, nods, and says, "Okay, then, little lady. That's a bet."

So she whips out a calculator, does a little long division, a few multiplications, and then proudly announces, "There are 217 cows in that herd!" Well, the old farmer is amazed! He says, "Well, I'll tell you what, little lady - I never welch on a bet. Congratulations, go on out there and pick out your cow."

She skips happily out into the herd, picks out the one she wants, waves to the farmer and heads home.

About an hour later, there's a knock on her door. She answers it, and it's the farmer! "Well, hi there! What can I do for you?"

The farmer squints his eyes at her, nods his head, and says, "Yup. Now it's MY turn to wage a bet with YOU. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[V]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead lived in the same apartment building, and went to work on the same bus.

One morning on their way to the bus stop, they spot what appears to be a puddle of semen in front of their building.

The brunette says, "This appears to be semen"

The redhead kneels down, sniffs, and says "Yes... I concur. This appears to be semen."

The blonde kneels, dips her finger in the puddle, tastes it, and looks at her friends...

"Well... it's not anyone from THIS building!"

[Timothy225]

For Vin:

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke."
"No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.
"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"

[V]

A Marine and a Ranger are in the bathroom using the urinal. When the Marine finishes, he goes to the sink, and thoroughly washes his hands. He gets under his fingernails, takes off his watch to wash underneath... and remains fully occupied for at least five minutes.

The Ranger finishes up, zips up his fly, flushes, then goes to the mirror to adjust his headgear.

The Marine looks at him and says "In the Corps, they teach a man to wash his hands after he goes to the latrine!"

The Ranger looks back and smiles...

"In the Army, they teach us not to piss on our hands!"

[Lisa]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for the same female boss. Every day at 2 PM, the boss-lady disappears from the office and never comes back for the rest of the day. She doesn't phone in for messages, she doesn't send emails - she just vanishes till the next morning.

So the blonde, brunette and redhead decide one day - what's to keep us from doing that too? When the boss lady leaves at 2 PM, they'll hang out till 2:30 PM to make sure the coast is clear, and then head out. If she's not checking in, she's none the wiser, right?

Sure enough, 2 PM rolls around, and out the door goes the boss lady. The blonde, brunette and redhead wait 30 minutes, and then cut out of work as well.

The brunette is thrilled! She heads home, and since it's a gorgeous day, she does some work in her garden while the sun is still shining.

The redhead is ecstatic! She heads to the gym and gets in a quick workout before heading home to shower and change for her date that evening.

The blonde is happy! Happy happy happy! She heads home to her cute little house and enters. But when she does, she hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She tiptoes over, opens the door just a crack, and sees her husband screwing the boss lady! So that's where boss lady was going every day at 2 PM! The blonde quietly shuts the door, and visibly upset, hops back into her car and spends the night at a hotel.

The next day, the brunette and the redhead are comparing notes on how great their half-day sneak-out went, when the blonde joins them. The other two tell her, "Yesterday was great! Wanna do it again today?"

The blonde, completely shaken, goes, "No, no no, uh-uh, no way!" The brunette and the redhead go, "Are you kidding? Why not?" The blonde says, "Because yesterday, when we snuck out? I almost got caught!"

[V]

Know the difference between a dead baby and a fitted suit?

I don't have a fitted suit in my closet!