A Plain Old Joke Thread...

[Ingrid]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead rob a bank. As they're running from the cops, they duck into a potato warehouse to hide. The place is full of burlap sacks, so each woman jumps into one and tries to blend in.
A few minutes later, the cops bust in and start poking around looking for the robbers and they start kicking bags. They kick the bag with the brunette in it and she lets out a few 'meows'.
"Eh, it's just a damn cat," they say and move on.
They kick the bag with the redhead in it and she barks a few times. "Only a fucking dog," and they move on.
They get to the bag with the blonde and give it a good kick.

The blonde comes back with "Po-tay-to."

[Mike]

[Lisa]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead rob a bank. As they're running from the cops, they duck into a potato warehouse to hide. The place is full of burlap sacks, so each woman jumps into one and tries to blend in.
A few minutes later, the cops bust in and start poking around looking for the robbers and they start kicking bags. They kick the bag with the brunette in it and she lets out a few 'meows'.
"Eh, it's just a damn cat," they say and move on.
They kick the bag with the redhead in it and she barks a few times. "Only a fucking dog," and they move on.
They get to the bag with the blonde and give it a good kick.

The blonde comes back with "Po-tay-to."

AWESOME! A new one! I never heard that one before!

[Timothy225]

An oldie, but a goodie! well done, Ingrid!

Found this one for Vin:

A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill. The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.

As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed. Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention. The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate. The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.

Now the CO was angry, so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill. The ranger ran into the woods. He emerged moments later after some more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere. The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill. The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire. Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO. The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines?" The marine replied "No sir, it was a trick! There were TWO of them!"

[V]

LOL!

RLTW!

[Lisa]

A blonde and a brunette get thrown off the top of a high skyscraper. Which one hits the ground first?

The brunette. The blonde stopped to ask for directions.

(And see? Even at the expense of my fellow brunette getting splattered all over the place, that's a damn fine joke!)


Okay, so I'll lay off of the blonde jokes for now....

A little dachshund and a gigantic great dane are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office. The great dane turns to the dachshund and says, "So, whattya in for, pal?"

The little dachshund says, "Ehhhh, well, it's like this. I have this little habit of humping my owners' legs whenever I can, and they're getting sick of it. So - they're snipping my balls."

The great dane shakes his head in sympathy, and says, "Yeah, I hear ya, buddy. My mistress was getting out of the shower the other day, and dropped her towel. When she bent over to pick it up, I got one look at her bent over from behind, and I just couldn't help myself! I climbed up onto her back and just started humping away."

The little dachshund's eyes widen up and he says, "Wow! So, they're snipping your balls, too?"

The great dane says, "Naaah, just getting my nails trimmed."

[V]

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this."
Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

COUNSELOR: What's the problem, you look depressed?

GUY: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

COUNSELOR: Relax, buddy! Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

GUY: Sure, I love to drink.

COUNSELOR: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

GUY: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

COUNSELOR: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you're already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

GUY: Well, in my younger days I experimented a little...

COUNSELOR: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead! You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

GUY: Yes, I love to gamble.

COUNSELOR: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

GUY: Well, no I'm not.

COUNSELOR: Oooooooh... then you're really not going to like Fridays!

[Lisa]

Helen Keller joke time!!! I'd like to dedicate this post to my two brothers - one six years older than me, the other ten years older than me - who saw fit to make sure their little sister knew every Helen Keller joke in the book by the time I was seven... then they'd send me in to my mother to repeat them! Just for that, it was worth it! (Of course, let me preface this by saying they taught me all the Helen Keller jokes except for the masturbation one, naturally! I learned that in third grade on the playground during recess.)

1. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her (two different versions with different answers).
a) She rearranged all the furniture (Standard answer, been done before - learned that one from my brothers).
b) She put doorknobs on all the walls (Learned this one years later. Spectacular answer! The visual alone has kept me giggling since 1982).

2. What did Helen Keller name her dog?
"Mrfpewarrrrwrewreppvhhg"

3. Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You'd run away too if your name was "Mrfpewarrrwrewreppvhhg".

4. Why did Helen Keller play piano with one hand?
So she could sing with the other.

5. How did Helen Keller burn her face?
She tried to answer the iron.

6. How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
She tried to read the waffle iron.

7. Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she could moan with the other (again - not my brothers. They were weird, but not that weird).

Am I missing any? I think that's all of them!

[V]

5. How did Helen Keller burn her face?
She tried to answer the iron.

We would have also accepted 'bobbing for french fries'...

[Lisa]

We would have also accepted 'bobbing for french fries'...

YES! Excellent alternate answer! (Haaaah!! Again - just the visual!)

[Matt]

'Hello, and welcome to 'To Tell The Truth! Contestant Number One, what's your name?'
'Hi, I'm Helen Keller'
'Contestant Number Two, what's YOUR name?'
'Hi, my name is Helen Keller'
'And finally, Contestant Number Three, what's YOUR name?'
'MPPHHjkhkjhkGHGGGGGKjgjhy'

[Lisa]

Hah!! Love it, I never heard that one before!

[Ingrid]

Gotta go back to a blonde one...My sister is blonde, so I learned many.


A blonde wearing headphones walks into a dry cleaners and drops some clothes on the counter. The guy there looks up and says 'hi' and proceeds to hand her a pick-up ticket. She immediately turns around and walks out, never saying a word.

This goes on for a few visits. Always the same thing: walks in wearing headphones, takes the clothes and walks out, never once saying a word. The guy working there just thinks this is too weird and resolves to ask her about it next time she comes in.

So this time about a week goes by before she comes in and as she's laying the clothes down on the counter the man jumps up and snatches the headphones off her ears and asks, "What's the deal, lady? Why don't you ever say anything?"

With that the blonde falls over dead. The man, perplexed, puts on the headphones trying to figure out what the hell is going on and he hears: "Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out."

[Shit Dickface]

'Hello, and welcome to 'To Tell The Truth! Contestant Number One, what's your name?'
'Hi, I'm Helen Keller'
'Contestant Number Two, what's YOUR name?'
'Hi, my name is Helen Keller'
'And finally, Contestant Number Three, what's YOUR name?'
'MPPHHjkhkjhkGHGGGGGKjgjhy'

Also, what did Helen Keller name her pet dog?





"EEEGHLAAAAAA"

Gotta go back to a blonde one...My sister is blonde, so I learned many.


A blonde wearing headphones walks into a dry cleaners and drops some clothes on the counter. The guy there looks up and says 'hi' and proceeds to hand her a pick-up ticket. She immediately turns around and walks out, never saying a word.

This goes on for a few visits. Always the same thing: walks in wearing headphones, takes the clothes and walks out, never once saying a word. The guy working there just thinks this is too weird and resolves to ask her about it next time she comes in.

So this time about a week goes by before she comes in and as she's laying the clothes down on the counter the man jumps up and snatches the headphones off her ears and asks, "What's the deal, lady? Why don't you ever say anything?"

With that the blonde falls over dead. The man, perplexed, puts on the headphones trying to figure out what the hell is going on and he hears: "Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out."

YES.

[Shit Dickface]

fuck nevermind I guess I should read the thread