The Curious Case of Abraham Smashington: A make your own adventure story.

[Ari]

I pick A

[Ari]

Ok, I have been convinced to continue...



As rage fills your system, you begin flexing your muscles, causing the rope
to stretch. Then your hear strands start snapping and before you know it, you are free. You snatch up the chair you were just sitting on, and hurl it at the mirror across the room. Glass and wood shrapnel go flying everywhere as you charge towards the newly created hole in the wall. Once you get there, you stop dead in your tracks.

Expecting to see O'Malley on the other side of the mirror, you find hundreds of hamster bodies instead. Laughing begins to fill the room.<O

"HAHA, did you really think it would be that easy, Mr. Smashigton?" O’Malley's voice makes you want to smash an infant. "You should really calm down, my friend. No need to get so worked up!"

You then begin to hear a hissing sound, only to look down and see green gas creeping from vents in the floor. O'Malley’s laughter still fills the room, when you slowly look up towards the speaker, a look in your eye that would make Hitler piss himself.

“O’Malley, I hope you have a nice family. A wife, kids, dogs and cats. Cause when I get out of here, I am going to destroy them. I will start by raping them all with a splintered tree branch. Then I will methodically tear out their organs and microwave them until they burst. All while you are forced to watch. I will then flay the flesh from their bodies, lather it in barbecue sauce, and force you to eat every inch of your family’s roasted skin. Then I will make you puke it all up, and force you to eat it again. And again. Finally, I will rip the intestines from your own stomach and force you to eat those too. And while you swallow yourself, I will lay in the gallons of blood that have spilled from your deceased family, and make snow angels while giggling like a gay school boy."

You then jump in the air and roundhouse kick the speaker from the wall.

Once you land, you notice the gas is filling up quite quickly. You then:

A) Kick the gas with such force you cause it to dissipate
B) Inhale all the gas, then turn towards the wall, exhaling it and melting the wall away
C) Fall to the ground, letting the gas overwhelm your body
D) Run from the gas, jump into the pile of hamster bodies, and make hamster angels

[Abraham Smashington]

I choose C.

[Abraham Smashington]

As more of the gas seeps into the room you hit the ground and your entire life flashes before your eyes: Your first kiss (oh Sally Pusbuket, she was a cutie and was missing a leg which started you on the road of having an amputee fetish), the death of your parents (oh mum and dad), dog (oh Mr. Fluffypoof), and your hamster (oh Dr. Corn Schwabbles). Your first sexual encounter (oh cheap whore your step-father got for you because he thought you were gay but you weren't gay just shy but he didn't know that and he bought you a cheap whore to see if you were and you were super embarrassed but the sweet smell of menthol cigarettes and Ben-Gay that poured off of her was hard to resist)and your next and last sexual encounter for years (oh Russian mail order bride with one leg and a lobster claw for a hand, how much you taught me about life and love). Surprisingly these were the only parts of your life you had time to remember because when you decided to hit the ground, you failed to see the swarm of hamsters converging over your beaten body. You pass out.

When you awaken you are unsure how much time has passed. But the smell, THE HORRIBLE SMELL! It turns out the hamsters saved your life by pooping all over you and creating a cocoon of sorts while one hamster breathed into your nose so you could stay alive (it could happen!). You start to move around and crack the poop cocoon that is covering you. Bits of dried fecal matter fall to the floor as you start to pull yourself up. As you break free you begin to hear noises. Tiny voices are all around you.

"Welcome back to the land of the living Abe." A small brown and white hamster comes to the front of the pack and is staring at your from a table. You stare at it in disbelief.

"It is I, Dr. Corn Schwabbles. Your old friend." says the small rodent. You gawk at him not knowing what to say.

"It's okay Abe, do not be alarmed. I apologize for faking my death so many years ago, but I had to. I didn't want my cover blown. I was sent to watch over you and guide you when the time was right. And the time has come!" says Dr. Corn Schwabbles.

"But, but, but...YOU'RE A HAMSTER FOR JEEBUS'S (RIP old dream friend) SAKE!" you exclaim.

"We hamsters are not just some run of the mill rodents that only run in our wheels and poop out pellets, although the wheel is a pretty good form of cardio, but I digress. We act that way so humans wouldn't suspect the truth... "*insert dramatic ID4 type music here*

You perk up and lean in to hear what Dr. Schwabbles has to say.

"We came to your planet in search of the one. The one who is to bring..."

Before Dr. Schwabbles could finish his sentence you see a flash and hear a popping noise. Blood is splattered all over your face and your sweet jean jacket...again. You spin around to see a gun with silencer attached slink through the area where the mirror used to be. You turn back around and see the remains of your old friend, Dr. Corn Schwabbles. You tear off your shirt, drop to your knees and shout: "O'MALLLLLEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY"

What do you do next?

A) Notice the small scroll attached to the remaining leg of Dr. Corn Schwabbles and examine where the mystery gunman went off to

B) Pretend this never happened, walk out the door and go on with your life

C) Slowly start laughing maniacally while losing your grip on your sanity

D) Brush the gore off your sweet jean jacket and exclaim: "Now that's what I call a sticky situation!"

[Ari]

I choose D...

[ScooterLaBeef]

I choose D...

I'm waiting???

[Ari]

So you brush the blood off your fuckin' sweet jean jacket and yell out, "Now that's what I call a sticky situation!" All the hamsters stop in their tracks and gawk at you with dropped jaws. Then they erupt in a laughter explosion.

"Quit your laughing, we gots work to do!", a voice exclaims from nowhere, but everywhere at once.

You recognize the voice. "Dr. Corn Schwabbles, is that you?"

"Yes Abe, tis me. I predicted they would attempt to end my life, but instead they have made me more powerful than they could have ever imagined."

You see a blurry vision in front of you begin to take form, then, right before your eyes, the spirit of Dr Corn Schwabbles appears. He is now in a little cloak, and has grown a beard. Odd.

"Abe, the time has come. O'Malley is no mere enemy of your...he is your half brother!"

"What!?!?! That's not possible, unless it is, then it is possible! How is this possible!"

"Abe, decades ago a Catarian from the planet Meowpuss, the planet we Hamsters have been at war with for centuries, made her way to earth. Her plan was to hide out as a human and plant the seeds to convert humanity into Catarians by mating with the males of your species. Her first victim was your father. She drugged him and rode him till the sun came out. Then she became pregnant with your half brother, O'Malley. But what she didn't know was giving birth to a half human-half, half-Catarian child would prove to be damn near impossible, and she died once O'Malley was plopped out. O'Malley was left in an alley, raised by alley cats. He could communicate with them, and they told him what happened. Once he was old enough, he killed your family, and would have killed you too, but I secretly washed your clothes in catnip, protecting you and saving you life."

"Go fuck a priest!", you screech out in disbelief.

"It's true Abe. Search your feelings, you know it is. And with our help, only you can stop O'Malley."

"Um, well, ok then. Let's end this shit. What do I have to do?"

"Pull down your pants and bend over. We Hamsters will take care of the rest."

You would normally refuse such a bizarre request, but it's been an odd day, so you go with it.

"Ok Hamsters, the time has come for our revenge. Begin the upgrade!"

One by one, the Hamsters hold their breath until they pop, each one becoming a little Hamster spirit. Then they form a line behind you, and begin the march into your rectum. This tickles at first, but you get used to it once the 40th Hamster pops in. After all the Hamsters have entered you ass, Dr Corn Schwabbles begins his decent into your rear.

"Once I am in, the upgrade will be complete, and you will become more powerful than you could ever imagine. Then, the final battle between you and O'Malley must take place, not just for revenge, but for the sake of your entire planet, and ours."

Dr Corn Scwabbles then pops into your butt. You pull up your pants and stand, the power of several hundred Hamster spirits flowing through your body. Your hair becomes yellow and erect. Your muscles rip through your sweet jean jacket (kinda pissing you off, as that jacket wasn't cheap). You stride out of the room, ready to meet O'Malley for the final time. You exit through the mirror hole, and see a door that says, "The Final Battle Entrance." You walk through, and find a huge ballroom. At the far end of the ballroom, O'Malley sits, in a throne made of Hamster skeletons. In between you and him stand ninjas in business suits, ninjas in dresses, ninjas in casual attire, ninjas in monkey costumes, robot ninjas, baby ninjas, and drunk wino ninjas. The fight for the universe is about to begin. You now:

A) Pretend you hand is a gun, and start fake shooting the ninjas, confusing the hell out of them
B) Point at O'Malley and say, "You're mine, halfbreed!"
C) Say to yourself, "Fuck this noise" and run out of the room
D) Form a running wheel made entirely of energy around yourself, and begin running over all the ninjas

[Abraham Smashington]

I choose A!

[Abraham Smashington]

You stare intently at O'Malley as he sits on his throne of evilness. With a smooth motion you flex your rippling muscles and run your fingers through your stupid anime hair. He flexes his sweet muscles right back at you. You proceed to show of your bitchin' calf muscles (they are the hardest to bulk up after all) and you notice him twitch ever so slightly. A bead of sweat slides down his crooked nose and hits the floor with a sizzle. You slowly start to walk towards him holding your hand-guns out to your sides keeping a bead on the ninjas. The ninjas start high kicking, low kicking, shit kicking, and basically serving you.....But no contact is made. They cannot get past your energy wheel that is protecting you. Having the spirits of hamsters inside your rectum comes with some perks.

“Abraham, you must end this now. His weak spot is his belly button. Destroy him.” the spirit of Dr. Schwabbles says. Of course it was muffled sounding as he is stuck up your ass at the moment. So instead of hearing this piece of vital information, you thought you just had gas.

You stroll across the ballroom and are standing right in front of your half-brother. Your eyes burn a hole through his soul as you shout "You're mine half-breed!" You dissipate the energy wheel with a flick of your neck and pull a sweet half cab full mctwist 1080 backflip.

In slow-motion you aim your hand-guns at the ninjas to your right. You begin firing. *BANG BANG BANGARANG RUFIO!* 20 ninjas fall. *CLIK CLIK CLIK* Out of ammo. You dive out of the way and throw your "weapons" to the ground. You pull out a sawed-off shotgun from your jacket and proceed to lay waste to the ninjas on your left. *KABLAM!* They go flying back in haze of no blood and non pain. As the shotgun runs out of ammo, you pull out your secret weapon "The anti-Ninja/Robot/Pirate/Clown grenade of awesomeness". You pull the pin and count to three. But nothing happens. “Oh right It’s a 5 second dela….” Before you could finish your thought there is a flash and all of the ninjas disappear. The only things left are you and O'Malley.

You gain your composure and point manically at your half brother.

O’Malley jumps down off his throne and lands with a thundering thud on the ballroom floor. He begins to walk towards you. Each step gets louder and louder. You begin to walk towards him. Soon, both of you are running towards each other with intense bloodlust. Then it happens.

From the corner of your eye you see a door open with a silhouette of a man in coming into focus. A microphone descends from the ceiling along with a fog machine, strobe lights and giant speakers. Track 5 from Jock Jams blares through the ballroom: “LET’S GET READY TO RUMMMMMBBBLLLLEEEEEEEE!!!”

“Holy shit, it’s Michael Buffet! The creator of the above line!” you both exclaim.

Michael slows walks to the middle of the ballroom. He is now directly between you and your foe.

“Hello Abe and O’Malley. Did you really think that this was all a coincidence? That you two would meet here today? Surely you both are not that dense? I’ve been saying my catch phrase for decades now and the fights that ensued were never as epic as the combination of Jock Jams and my awesome line. So I came up with an idea. A battle that would fully encapsulate the meaning of my famous line; a battle, so epic, that the gods would pony up 400 dollars for a nosebleed seat; a battle that would hold the world in the balance. And so I orchestrated the events that would lead to today. I was the hidden puppet master behind the scenes. I was the one that drugged your father so he would have sex with that cat who was posing as a human. I was the one that made sure that O’Malley was discarded and raised by alley cats. I was the one that spurred the flames of hatred. The rest was easily taken care of …” Michael begins to explain.

[Abraham Smashington]

You notice the changing demeanor in O’Malley. He looks hurt and betrayed. As Michael continues on with his overlong and frankly boring speech, O’Malley has now positioned himself so he is in reach of Michael. In a split second, he grabs Michael’s head, and with a quick twist pops off his head. Blood and gore spray all over your now sweet ripped jean jacket (AGAIN) and O’Malley slumps to the ground.

You go over to the fallen body of you sworn enemy and notice something has changed.

“I’m so sorry Abraham. I just wanted a family too. Do you know how hard it was being raised by alley cats? My sex talk was very confusing and a bit frightening and it wasn’t like the talks the other kids had with their fathers. I just wanted to be loved and to blame someone. I blamed you. I’m sorry.” O’Malley says as blood starts to seep from his mouth. You lean in to comfort him, but it’s too late. It was all a ruse.

“You foolish mortal! You fell for the oldest trick in the book. The old “dying enemy who reveals hidden love to their foe” trick. You are so stupid!” growls O’Malley as he wraps his hands around your neck. You being to struggle to get free, but his hands are holding on tight. You begin to blackout.

Just then the entire ballroom starts to shake and rumble. 4 slimy tentacles shoot out through the neck of the now decapitated boxer announcer. They raise up and grab the chandelier hanging from the ceiling, propping his now undead body upright.

“*Xxkjfuif qqqsues sjdmeo nh nmced qxxzsd” hisses the creature. Where his torso would be is now a giant gaping maw filled with razor sharp teeth. It shoots out a sticky tendril which latches on to O’Malley’s leg. The leg splits open as the tentacle hits. It tightens its slimy grip. He yelps in pain as he begins to get dragged towards the hideous monster. In the process his hands break free from your neck. You catch your breath and watch the ridiculous scene unfold before you.

Even though he has caused you nothing but pain since a child, you can’t help but feel a tinge of guilt. That is quickly dismissed though as you actually remember all of the pain and hardship he has put you through. You light up a cigarette while you watch your half brother being slowly pulled into the horrifying creature hanging from the chandelier. You enjoy the sweet, sweet nicotine (remember kids, smoking is cool and if you smoke you will be cool and get laid!) and relish in the fact that you don’t have to do a thing to defeat your enemy. As you watch the last bit of O’Malley disappear into the void that is the creature’s mouth you decide that it ends here and now.

You drop your pants and with a grunt of determination, you push out all of the hamster spirirts.

“My Army! I need you to help me battle the biggest foe yet!” you shout! “In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps its fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day; the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”

“Wait? Isn’t that from ID4?” asks Private Smallfry (hamster #22)

“Yes, yes it is. But it never fails to get me pumped. And I need all the help I can get right now. I cannot do this alone.” You explain.

After a little prodding, the hamsters line up like the undead army from Return of the King. The monster hisses in an angry tone and motions for you to bring it!

………………………………………….

“What happens next Grandpa?” Jesse asks.
“Well Jesse. We’ll have to see….tomorrow night. For now, it’s time for bed. “
“But, But but...” Stammers Jesse.
“No buts about it young man, it’s time for sleep.”

You tuck your Grandson into bed and close his door. You go and pour yourself a drink and plop yourself down in your La-Z-Boy.

Above you, in a Shadow Box hanging from the wall is a piece of clothing. To be more precise it’s a tattered jean jacket with a sweet Motley Crue patch on the back. You finish your drink and put the glass down on the sidetable. You begin to think about your life for a moment.

“Now that’s what I call a sticky situation” you mutter to yourself before falling asleep.


*”Don’t forget to drink your Ovaltine”

[Ari]

That was some grand-exalted-epic-majestic-illustrious-awesome-masterpieceness right there. Truly, if I do nothing else this year of any importance, my contribution to this story will be more than enough to satisfy me.

[Abraham Smashington]

It was a pretty sweet little story. All over the map, but pretty decent. We need someone to draw this in comic form. That would be epic. I already have framing and shot ideas in my head for certain scenes.

[Ari]

That would be sweet!

[Abraham Smashington]

I have put the story into one Word Document. Feel free to download it. It flows better now.

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

Epic....I wish I could've joined in on the ending. When will we doing the next one????