The Curious Case of Abraham Smashington: A make your own adventure story.

[Abraham Smashington]

You brush the gore off of your sweet jean jacket (with a killer patch of Motley Crue on the back) and attempt to figure out what in the hell just happened. "Oi! Ya facking cunt, git dahn!" The bartender, Jeebus and yourself hit the deck. Another baby explodes. Entrails fly everywhere. "What the fuck is going on?", you shout to the heavens! "It's not the jig that caused the baby to explode, but the chav outside with the shotgun!" exclaims Mr. Exposition Man as he slinks away after his purpose was fulfilled.

You thank Mr. Exposition Man and quickly assess the situation. You realize there is no fucking way you will be able to get to the basement to escape now. The three of you decide that in order to survive you need to get outside and band up with "Chav with a shotgun". Then the plan is formed. Hastily you grab as much alcohol as you can find and throw it on the babies. The sickly sweet smell of milk, pee, sweat, and what appears to be lemons fill the air. You ask Jeebus for a match, which he readily gives you. "It's nap time...for eternity!"you exclaim as you throw the match on the alcohol soaked babies. Nothing happens. You try another, and another. Still nothing. In your hurry to torch the babies, you grabbed Mike's Hard Lemonade as opposed to a flammable liquid. You are now surrounded by slightly tipsy, pissed off babies. Do you:

A) Try again, this time with a flammable liquor

B) Say fuck it and throw Jeebus to the hordes of slightly tipsy, pissed off babies

C) Reach in your pocket for the : "Deus Ex Machina" of this story (which you need to PM Rob for)

D) Push the bartender off the bar and use him as a battering ram for your escape

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

A...

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

Realizing your mistake, you survey the bar for something flammable. Jeebus and the bartender are scrambling around with duffle bags loading up the good shit when out of the corner of your eye your notice a dusty old bottle of 151. You grab the bottle of brown Bacardi and smash the top off. You grab a bar towel and stuff it into the jagged opening on the top of the bottle.
"Jeebus, matches ASAP!" you shout.
Jeebus tosses you the last box of matches he has. You light the towel and toss it on the babies. The bottle bursts into flames and engulfs the ankle biters. Some try to attack you fully ablaze, but you are able to kick them off of you. Jeebus and Changu (the bartender) are headed for the door with two duffle bags filled to the tee with snacks and all the booze you could imagine.
"Let's go!" they shout.
As you jump off the bar you slip on baby entrails. While laying on your back you notice two samurai swords mounted high up above the bar. Babies smell the blood and smoke emanating from the bar and start to rush the building.
"Let's fucking move it, they're coming!" shouted Chav
"Get the fuck on your feet kid, let's go!" yelled Changu
You stumble to your feet, still staring at the swords. You think to yourself, "Time and survival is key, the babies are rapidly approaching and you don't have much to defend yourself with. Chav has the shotgun, but how many rounds are left? What will happen if we run out of bullets?"
So you...
A. Run out with your friends, pray you make it to safety.
B. Climb the bar, retrieve the swords. Risk your life and that of the others doing so.
C. Fake an injury, say you can't continue on. Once they leave, get up grab the swords and shadow them. Follow them to their hideout, kill them with the swords, rape the women and steal whatever you want.
D. Ask Jeebus to help you up, then grab him by the arms and toss him into the bar so the swords fall down. Pick up the swords, pick up Jeebus and say sorry bro.

[Ari]

I pick D

[Ari]

So you yell for Jeebus to come over to you to give some help. Jeebus tells Changu to begin a jig to distract the babies. Once jeebus reaches you, you grab him by his little pudge arms and toss him into the bar, knocking the sowrds and Jeebus to the floor. As you run over to retrieve the swords, Jeebus begans cussing at you like an Irish sailor. "Sorry, Jeebus." you mutter as you help him to his feet.

As both you and Jeebus turn to exit the bar, you notice Changu's jig is no longer working, and Chav is getting low on ammo. You bust out the swords, Prince of Persia style, and began hacking away. Baby blood and puss is flying everwhere. You're like an Iron Chef of death, hacking any baby that gets in your way. Then it stops. The babies begin to crawl away. You stand there, right outside the bar entrance, Jeebus standing on your left, still rubbing his sore head. Chav is by the lightpost, staring at the fleeing babies, and Changu still hasn't stopped jigging.

As the babies continue up the street, you try to catch your breath from all the hacking. Then you notice something. All the babies are converging at one spot. They begin spitting up on each other. Jeebus pukes at the sight. Hundreds of babies, all upchucking multicolored barf all over each other, until all you can see is a puke mountain. The mountain begins to rumble, then an arm bursts out of it. It looks like a chunky baby arm, only it's the length of a VW. Then the rest of it ermerges. A huge baby has been formed, the size of a 4 story buliding. It's eyes burning red with hatred, it begins to scream, causing all the windows on the street to shatter. Then it begins to plow towards you, at a speed no man could out run. You look at your group, and:

A) Yell, "Fuck this nonsense!" and jam a sword into your neck
B) Pick up Jeebus and throw him at the rampaging baby
C) Turn back into the bar
D) Jump on a moped parked near the bar and get the fuck outta there

[Abraham Smashington]

B for the win!

[Abraham Smashington]

You look at your group and are forced to make a difficult decision. Well not so much difficult as extremely awesome. You grab Jeebus by his tiny hands. "This is no time for a slow dance!" he shouts. Then for a second, his tiny abnormal eyes register the severity of the moment. "Tell my tiny wife, I was cheat...." and without even letting him finish his last thought, you throw Jeebus directly at the SUPER MEGA DEATH BABY! As Jeebus flies through the air facing his imminent demise, Changu declares he can no longer jig and Chav is just staring at the flying midget. You on the other hand have no time for nonsense and begin to survey your surroundings. You notice a Faggio with the keys still in it. And even better, this one has a sidecar.

You run towards it and turn just in time to see Jeebus fly into the gaping maw of SUPER MEGA DEATH BABY. "HOLY SHIT, GET THE FUCK ON!" you scream to your cohorts. Changu and Chav run at the sputtering Faggio and begin to argue as to who is going to ride bitch. The SUPER MEGA DEATH BABY is still hauling forward in your general direction. What do you do?

A) Say fuck it, and leave them there while you speed off

B)Make them play an epic game of Rock Paper Scissors to decide who rides bitch

C) Cut off their heads with your swords and throw the heads at SUPER MEGA DEATH BABY

D) Bring out your Ipod to find the perfect epic chase soundtrack, because it's about to be on like motherfucking Donkey Kong

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

Deeeez Nutzz

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

So as you're running towards the Faggio, you search through your ipod for the most epic of power ballads. You pass; A, B, C, D, and start to slow down. Ea, Eb...Eur...and then you find it. Europe's "The Final Countdown" you key up the song and realize you don't have much time to flee this Super Mega Death Baby. Changu, dead tired and weak, and Chav are racing towards the Faggio with sidecar. There are only two seats...someone's not gonna make it. You look back and see the two survivors each carrying an essential piece of your survival. It's a tough choice; Chav has a BOOM STICK with low ammo, Changu has two bags loaded with rations...
You make it to the Faggio, fire it up and see that the fuel gauge reads 1/4 full. Fuck, you're not going far.
Chav yells out, "Wait for me I'll show you the way to safety!"
Changu answers" Fuck him, I gave you shelter all this time. Don't leave me behind, I have all the food."
With that Chav turns to Changu and blasts him to the head with the 12 guage. Changu's body drops to the floor, his head now a pink mist. Chav picks up the bags of booze and food and turns the Remington 870 towards you.
"Drive mother fucker" Chav says, his bloodshot eyes tell you he means business.
You peel out and ask, "What the fuck was that all about? Why did you kill him? He deserved better than that. You better have somewhere for us to go!"
"Relax, don't get your thong in a twist. Quit whining like a little bitch. I had to do it, you know damn well it was the only choice we had. I'm too valuable to be killed, he was weak, he would have held us back. Plus by killing him we bought ourselves some time to get away."
"You're right, but don't try that shit on me. I need to be able to trust you, we're in this shit together now."
You make it to the freeway on the Faggio, the fuel is quickly diminishing. You tell Chav about the fuel and ask for directions.
"Get off on the next exit, we'll switch positions. I'll take us there."
"Cool, sounds good" you reply but in your mind you say:

A. Fuck that, this mother fucker is going to try some slick shit. I'm going to kill him before he kills me.
B. I don't trust this guy, I need to find shelter for tonight and feel out the situation.
C. You say fuck your gut reaction and do as your told. Pussy.
D. You pass the exit, and ride the Faggio until the gas runs out. When questioned about what you're doing. You tell Chav to shut the fuck up and play by your rules.

[Abraham Smashington]

I choose D

[Abraham Smashington]

As you pass the exit, Chav starts yelling obscenities at you. You feign like you cannot hear him and motion that you are pulling over all the while keeping an eye on SUPER MEGA DEATH BABY. While you are pulling over to the side you notice that Chav begins to shift his weight in anticipation of getting off the Faggio. You use this to your advantage and gun it.

As you hit the gas, Chav falls out of the sidecar and is sprawled out on the freeway. You pull a 180 and gun it at him full force. He begins to stand but it's too late. Your momentum on the moped helps you cleanly sever his head from his neck with the sword you picked up from the bar. You whip back around and like Nic Cage in Raising Arizona, you grab the bags of food and booze and speed off.

As you drive off, the bridge you are on starts to buckle. You look in the side mirror (and objects are closer than they appear) and notice that SUPER MEGA DEATH BABY is right behind you. Do you:

A) Hit the brakes and pray to Jeebus (RIP) that the SUPER MEGA DEATH BABY runs past you

B) Ditch the Faggio and attempt to jump off the bridge into the water below

C) Get off the Faggio and make a last stand

D) Try and outrun the SUPER MEGA DEATH BABY

[ScooterLaBeef]

I'll take Ccccc.

[ScooterLaBeef]

SUPER MEGA DEATH BABY is right behind you so you decide to get off the Faggio and make a last stand, suddenly you notice a large baby's bottle dry and empty lying off to the side of the highway and you think to yourself....... Yes, you've got it! You reach into your bag and pull out a container of durian and balut shake that Chav had made earlier that day for Jeebus just as super mega death baby draws near.

You begin to feel the bottle to the rim as the bridge is collapsing all around you, you twist the nipple top on and lob it directly at the hideous creature that it now standing just above you. As the baby let's out the scream that is a 1,000 baby's the bottle land's.... it's a direct hit! Super Mega Death Baby begins to suck on the bottle of durian and balut just then:

A) Super Mega Death Baby fall's down and dozes off to sleep.

B) Super Mega Death Baby taste the awful duck embryo and erupts in anger.

C) You Jump back onto the Faggio and speed off before Super Mega Death Baby figures out that it ain't milk he's drinking.

D) Super Mega Death Baby explodes into a 1,000 angry dancing baby's who begin to charge you.

[Abraham Smashington]

I choose C.

[Abraham Smashington]

As you speed off before SUPER MEGA DEATH BABY realizes what you have done, you see your 2nd grade teacher standing in the middle of the road. You hit the brakes and swerve as to not hit her. Puzzled, you call out her name but instead of words coming out of your mouth there is nothing but silence. You try to scream but you cannot. It's as if you are in a bad dream. As you attempt to make some sort noise to get her attention, she disappears and all is left is a shoe. Even more puzzled by this, you go to pick it up and examine it but it disappears as soon as you try. That's when you hear someone calling your name.

"Wake up Mr. Smashington...it's time to wake up."

You awaken in a darkened room. You are tied to a chair. You notice a large mirror on one wall. "It was all a dream, there is no SUPER MEGA DEATH BABY?" you ponder.

"Mr. Smashington, it's time to tell us all you know...." says a disembodied voice coming from a small speaker attached to the wall above the mirror. "You have been out for quite some time now, we were wondering if maybe we were too hard on you..."

You taste blood. And your face feels as if Michael Flatley has Riverdanced all over it for hours. "What in the hell is happening?" you say aloud.

"Now, now Mr. Smashington. Cut the charade. You know exactly what we want, just give it to us."

"That voice....that voice sounds familiar", you think to yourself, "Where do I know that voice from?"

That's when it hits you like a sack full of screaming babies...

"O'Malley? Is that you? You fucking prick!" you scream at the window. You are furious now. O'Malley was the man that ruined your life when you were just a tiny Abraham Smashington. He killed your parents, your dog, your hamsters, colored in your coloring books and ripped the legs off every toy you had. Why? For fun. Your blood begins to boil and you can feel your strength returning. What do you do?

A) Break free from the rope, grab your chair and smash it into the mirror

B) Play it cool and tell them you will tell them everything...but in reality you are about to pull a Jason Bourne

C) Break free from the rope, drop to your knees, rip open your shirt and scream "KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!"

D) Tell O'Malley that as soon as you are free, you will kill him, his parents, his dog, his hamster and will relish every second of it.