Craigs List Thread : The best of!

[Abraham Smashington]

HAha. Oh poor sad geeks. Just say HELLO!

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

Nice.

[nerdious dorkus]

that wasn't me by the way. i wish it were though, cause there's a really cute girl that works at the gamestop i go to. and by go to i mean live at. everyone there knows my customer id. i'm starting to think i spend a little too much on games...

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

Ha! Funny shit.

[Lesley]

I think you spend too much on movies that you don't open.

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

Leopard Print Arachnid Bar - Claim at your own peril... (Beverlywood)

<hr> Reply to: sale-870206647@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-10-07, 12:49PM PDT


Do you like mixing drinks for friends? Do you like spiders? If you answered yes to those questions, then this bar is for you! Behold this nifty leopard print bar, perfect for swingin' shindigs on your patio or in your home. The upholstery is in very good shape, the rest of the bar has seen better days. It's sort of home made, with wooden compartments in back with sliding doors. It has six 50's looking wooden/metal tipped legs that screw into the bottom. With a bit of work, she could be restored to her former glory. The top could use a new coat of One Shot, or better yet some Formica and aluminum edging.

"This is just what I've been looking for, but where do the spiders come in?", you say. Well, this has been sitting on my back patio for four years, we have a BIG spider problem, and some have undoubtedly taken up residence in the back compartments of this bar. You must remove them before carrying this through my house and out the front door. I will provide a broom for this purpose, which you must shake off very vigorously afterward. If you are bitten I will provide a Benedryl quick dissolving strip, bandage, Neosporin and access to my computer so you can determine which sort of spider you were bitten by and which anti-venom is necessary. I will not help you move, carry, or de-spider the bar in any way! This bar is heavy, at least two strong people are needed to carry it. You will need a truck too.

If you have an insect problem and were hoping to take the spiders and the bar, that's fine. But you'll need to bring a pulley system and lots of rope or 10 guys on steroids to hoist it over my back fence. Saturdays are good for me. <table summary="craigslist hosted images"> <tbody><tr> <td align="center"></td> <td align="center"></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center"></td> <td align="center"></td> </tr> </tbody></table>

• Location: Beverlywood
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 870206647

[Lesley]

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/m4w/862818036.html

Are you a lonely, possibly desperate Canadian woman aged 18-50? Tired of trying to find a good man among your flannel clad, Labatt's drinking, moose hunting country men? Willing to take in an American who is fed up with his country? Then I'm the guy for you! Maybe you're a bit overweight or suffer from "Lifelong Ugly Duckling" syndrome. I don't care.

[Abraham Smashington]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/182862349.html

Don't even fucking say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.

I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the fuck.

The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont fucking tell you...

Except in tiny print you cant read without a fucking electron microscope

...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."

Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.

So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.

Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes shitting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the fuck?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?

So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You fucking Pringle bastards.

I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.

The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole fucking roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.

I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.

That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so fucking foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.

So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work.

You fucking Pringle bastards.

The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the fucking grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that shit again.

Fucking Pringle bastards.

This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real. Fuck Pringles.<!-- START CLTAGS -->

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

Too fucking funny.

[Ari]

Fucking hi-larious!

[Abraham Smashington]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/860137375.html

Ari...Sarah's gonna kill you.... hahah

you: Prius guy; me: not a hooker (redhead in purple fishnets) - w4m


<HR>Date: 2008-09-29, 2:50PM PDT



Me: A redhead on a bicycle, in fishnets and a short skirt, biking home from the Folsom Street Fair.

You: A guy driving a Prius who tried to hire me for sexual services.

There I was, biking along, thinking it would be smarter to ride down Shotwell than along the bigger streets at dusk because I didn't have my light or helmet. Now, I don't walk down Shotwell much because it's where all the hookers work and I don't want to interfere. But it seemed safe by bike.

So when you slowed down to pass me in your Prius, I was a little apprehensive. Sure enough, "Want to make some money?" you asked. I was startled, though. You didn't look like the usual sleazebags who trawl these corners. I said no, with a smile. I should've been more firm, I guess.

(I admit that my Folsom Fair getup was a bit more suggestive than usual, my mini-kilt draped over my bike seat, my tall boots making pedaling a little difficult. Nothing naughtier than you'd see street punks wearing anywhere, though. And who tries to pick up a hooker who's riding a bike? I am not a hooker, for the record, though I'm not offended. I have a science PhD, which might earn me less at first, but so far it's seemed to be the best use of my talents.)

Anyway, I said no. And I kept biking. And you kept tailing me slowly in your Prius. Half a block later, you asked again and I answered more firmly, though still (too) politely. And then again, further along. By then I had a plan in mind to keep you from following me to my house, but you gave up at that point.

So what gives? Do you come here often? In a city of yuppie geeks, why does a not-unattractive man with a Prius need to find a streetwalker on that particular corner of crack whores? Did the Folsom Fair inspire visions of kinky sex? Did I, with my messenger bag and commuter bike, look like the type to mete out exotic punishments? Are you just having a dry spell? And how much money are we talking?

I'm actually curious. (Not interested, but curious.)

[Captain Russ]

Commuter Bag Loldongs

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

It's being blocked...can I get a cut and paste por favor...

[Abraham Smashington]

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/941491075.html

I am a lonely, beautiful woman living alone with my cat, Mrs. Norris. I work as a janitor. You will refer to me as Filch.

I need at least 5 men. You will arrive at my apartment. There will be a picture of a fat lady on the door, and you will tell her the pre-arranged password. You will be dressed based on your character. The characters I need are listed below.

Harry Potter: You must be barely legal, and arrive with your firebolt ready for the best game of quidditch you'll ever play.

Ron Weasley: You absolutely must have red hair and freckles. You must show up with firewhiskey.

Draco Malfoy: Blonde. Be able to cry on demand.

Remus Lupin: You will alternate between wolf and man. Howl, baby, howl!

Albus Dumbledore: You must be a proud gay man ready to penetrate every other man present You must have a beard and wear a wizard's hat and half-moon spectacles.

As you arrive, I shall chain you to the walls of my apartment, which I will have converted into a dungeon. Mrs. Norris shall excite you all into the most aroused state you've ever experienced (I've trained her well, so don't worry--if she fails to tickle your pickle, though, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve--engorgio, anyone?).

After I punish you all for being out after curfew, and take a few house points, Harry will escape, grab me around the waist, and begin sodomizing me. With each stroke, he will yell out one of the wrongs I have committed against him (example: "and THIS is for helping Umbridge"). After we've both come harder than Hagrid in heat, Ron and Draco will escape.

Ron will beat Draco with a broomstick I'll provide. Then, he will penetrate the Slytherin with the Cleansweep, who will, at this point, be crying about how his dad's in Azkaban.

Lupin will escape as he "transforms" into a wolf. He forgot his wolfsbane potion tonight! He will have his way with whatever his wolfy instincts demand!

I will then pleasure Ron. With my dirty squib mouth.

Finally, Dumbledore will escape and exact his right as Headmaster of Hogwarts.

Then, firewhiskey all around!

Who knows what else the night will bring...
---

Please send pictures, preferably in costume. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, and I've been haunted by this fantasy since PoA came out (the book, of course). Please please please help me to realize it!

Also, if you know any submissive small men, we might add a Dobby to the fun. <TABLE><TBODY><TR><TD></TD><TD></TD></TR><TR><TD></TD><TD></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Ari]

Just wow.