Craigs List Thread : The best of!

[nerdious dorkus]

"I don't mind sucking you off but..."

[Abraham Smashington]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...126876415.html

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situatio

awesome.

[Abraham Smashington]

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/lss/1246071348.html

My lessons will result in:
Faster APM (actions per minute) - average professional gamers range from 250-550. Average player is about 100.
Better Win/Loss Ratio
Chance to become a professional gamer in Korea - Celebrity status, especially for foreigners, like Guillaume Patry (Grrr...) and Bertrand Grospellier (Elky)
Bragging rights, that you're as good as a Korean in Starcraft
You will be called a hacker because you're so good.
Korean girls will be intrigued that you're such a good Starcraft player.

LULZ.

[Abraham Smashington]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...187388648.html

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

nice

[Abraham Smashington]

http://greenville.craigslist.org/mis/1476998157.html

You: tall thin guy with glasses driving like a maniac, but with a certain suave devil may care attitude, you passed me legally but at the same time cut in like a NASCAR god, weaving through so slick.

Me: driving older model Hyundai Sonata, pale green with a red racing stripe and coffee can muffler. I was so sorry to have caused you to get upset in traffic. As I am Indian my instinct was to try to get in a little fender bender to maybe arrange a cuddle buddy experience with you. Of course I am not homosexual, no Indian man is... we are simply embracing our manhood by embracing one another. Please reply to this with your license plate number as it is permanently embedded in my memory.

[Abraham Smashington]

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/ele/1498514993.html

Free LCD TV.Yes it works perfectly.Yes it has a remote. No i wont deliver. Why is it FREE you ask????? My room mate thought it would be "hysterical" to pause gay porn on my TV while my girlfriend and I were on vacation for 2 weeks, thus burning and image into the screen. So...If you dont mind a sillouette of a skinny white guy taking a load in the face from the biggest black penis in recorded history forever adorning your new TV, Its yours.<!-- START CLTAGS -->

[B_Metal]

Lmmfao.

[Ari]

Free LCD TV.Yes it works perfectly.Yes it has a remote. No i wont deliver. Why is it FREE you ask????? My room mate thought it would be "hysterical" to pause gay porn on my TV while my girlfriend and I were on vacation for 2 weeks, thus burning and image into the screen. So...If you dont mind a sillouette of a skinny white guy taking a load in the face from the biggest black penis in recorded history forever adorning your new TV, Its yours.

Nevermind, a fellow by the name of Ed Hocken just picked it up.

That was fast.
<!-- START CLTAGS -->

[B_Metal]

Hahahahaha & lollercopter.

[Abraham Smashington]

http://miami.craigslist.org/mdc/mis/1539838256.html

To the Thug Latino Guy With the Dumb Looking Mustache Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Miami night before last:

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants.. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your "Mami" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vagabond, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. The phone company just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life and the kind of crap that you put other people through every day.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes a civil society!

[Abraham Smashington]

They took the listing down, but Conan was selling The Tonight Show on Craigslist.

TITLE:4 SALE: Barely-Used Late Night Show -Make Me An Offer
DESCRIPTION: This is a chance of a lifetime to own your very own late night talk show–guaranteed to last for up to seven months!! Really must see to appreciate.
Information for potential buyers:
- Measures 100’ x 100’ x 32’ – plenty of room for a futon!
- Designed for 11:35 but can be easily moved
- Band can be sold separately
- Buyer must honor Barry Manilow booking next Thursday
MAKE ME YOUR BEST OFFER!!!!! (Also willing to trade for Coldplay tickets.)

[Ari]

Pure, shiny, gold.

[B_Metal]

They took the listing down, but Conan was selling The Tonight Show on Craigslist.

Glorious.

[Howard]

That Miami craigslist ad? I read that and imagine FrankCobretti doing something just like that.