DEAD ISLAND aka COCONUT PETE'S REVENGE

[Captain Russ]

No Eddie Money.

No Piccadilly Whores.

But still a frantic and at times thuper therious take on the sort of situations found in Dead Rising.

The loot system could do a quicker pace, as you'll kneel down each time you open a container and there is a small but noticeable delay when acquiring the actual items within. But I get why it is as deliberate as it is, as you never know when those stinkin' meatbags will pounce from the shadows of the nearest bungalow.

Skill trees and weapon grades abound, much like in Bonerlands. And the Dead Rising-via-Fallout style modding is also on hand whenever you come across a craftin' bench.

I have yet to even undertake the first mission from the Maori fella in the Baywatch suit, as I've been having too much fun looking for primitive screwheads to smack around with a boat paddle and looting everything not nailed down. It's a pretty big place, and this is just the first zone.

I'll be in to give a more detailed description of the missions and other miscellany as I get to them. For now, I'm back to being the fun police on beach patrol.

[Abraham Smashington]

son of a son of a bitch

[Captain Russ]

Also, you get four characters to choose from, each with their own combat specializations.

I chose MC Hammer.

[Abraham Smashington]

escort missions yet? cause fuck escort missions.

[Captain Russ]

Heard about 'em. Haven't encountered one yet.

[Abraham Smashington]

how's the leveling up aspect?

[Captain Russ]

Pretty easygoing as far as pace dictates. You get a point to spend everytime you level, and if you approach it like I am and not doing fuck all quest-wise, it can take quite a few necrobitches to get you to that next level shit.

ETA: just met a slutty russian chick who wants me to find her some Cristal. Imma get this island pregnant.

[Captain Russ]

Actually started doing missions at around 10:30 or so (and then I looked up and the time was around 2:00 in the am, and I silently exclaimed "holy shit" to myself). Until then, my main story progress was sitting at a nice 2%. Pretty sure I'm up to maybe 5 or even 8% now.

Fast travel and access to vehicles are a godsend in such a hostile environment. The scaling of enemies once you go beyond level 10 or so is sort of a pain in the ass as far as the number of brute zombies, or "thugs," are concerned. But then the fancy ass weapons start dropping like expensive jewelry in a T-Pain video and it takes care of those big bastards quickly. Or you can do what I do and cut through the tedium and run 'em the fuck down, get out, and hammer their dumb dead faces in with a crowbar. That'll show 'em.

Anyway, even the fetch quests (getting gas cans, medical supplies, etc.) are frantic. As soon as you get the gas cans filled or have picked up the required supplies, a banshee wail cuts the silence, and you are going "fuck fuck fuck" like Jake. Only instead of pussytrolls, you're now dealing with fast zombies trying to get in your fucking Kool-Aid.

I love this game so far. Only started on chapter 2, but I'm taking my sweet ass time doing everything under the sun in this first areaa before I'm forced to go into the dark heart of Putman's weave (euphemism for the jungle where a jet liner has just made an emergency landing).

[Captain Russ]

Hayzeus Christo.

Just used some dead bastard's keycard to get back into the resort hotel (why I would go back to the lion's den is still lost on me), and I'm goin' through the kitchen Rybacking every Necrotic Norman I see. I stumble through a small corridor after this Under Siege conquest and who do I see running full sprint for my juggular vein?

Gary. Fucking. Busey.

[Captain Russ]

Made it into the city.

I have now been mob-raped tens of times, each one more irritating than the last, if only for the fact that the infected (fast zombies) are on an infinite loop near the field hospital.

Should have french-fried instead of pizza-ing. What a rookie mistake.

UPDATE ON ESCORT MISSIONS: I have done a handful of these now, and they're not too terrible, save for one, but I will get to that Broke-ass Belefonte in a second. They usually sprint with you, unless there are set encounters with a few infected here or there. Beyond that, they're generally smooth sailing, easy XP gets.

Now, to that gentleman I mentioned earlier.

His name is Joseph. He is a custodial artist at the church. He is also a gimp who enjoys long strolls through the most hostile parts of town and not putting up a fight. Instead, he preternaturally wills the undead horde to toothfuck him into oblivion at every turn. I depleted the durability of every single one of my weapons keeping the dead from his loathsome visage. I was met with ravenous clawing, biting, and snarling as the cadaverous cockbags sent me straight for Charon's booze cruise. Joseph could be seen through the raspberry jam screen, casually walking off into the sunset as I took my last breath.

[Captain Russ]

Words are unable to convey my hatred for that fictional character.

[Trejo]

Molotovs + Thugs = xp raining on my face like warm pis--...uh... like rain. Yeah, rain.

WHO DO YOU VOODOO BITCH?

[Captain Russ]

Mollys are fangoddamntastic.

Rams ain't shit.

[Captain Russ]

So being a melee technical master does fook all against a Cryptkeeper-looking motherfucker who uses his sharpened bone stump arms to kill you.

I fear for my life in the jungle.

[Captain Russ]

Resort: shit slapped.
City: shit slapped.
Jungle: shit slapped.
Prison: shit slapped.
Hospital: shit slapped.

Island: shit been slapped all over erry place.

I'd like to thank Papa Shango and Baron Samedi for giving me the strength to slap the mother of all shit outta Banoi Island.