Post your kickass recipes here!

[Shit Dickface]

I've already called him worse in this same thread (even as a joke, still), so if he doesn't punch me in the throat upon meeting me, I'll be happy.

[V]

If I killed Jake, then there would be no more of his hilarious status updates on Facebook... and that would be letting the terrorists win.

[Shit Dickface]

theeeerewego.

Also, his dick don't sparkle so I don't want him inside me.

[V]

Tempura Squid

To make tempura batter

1 egg
1 cup ice water
1 cup all purpose flour

Beat an egg in a bowl. Add ice water in the bowl. Be sure to use very cold water. Add sifted flour in the bowl and mix lightly. Be careful not to overmix the batter.
Makes 4 servings

Dip whatever blows your skirt up(in this case, squid rings...) in the batter. Fry until golden, then nom!

[Abraham Smashington]

Currently making my ribs. Yep, pretty awesome.

[V]

Dry or wet?

Explain...

[Abraham Smashington]

dry rub, braised them in oven, broiled with the glaze they cooked in.

[Ingrid]

Got a pot roast in the slow cooker...So yummy.

2 packets brown gravy
1 packet dry ranch dressing
1 packet dry Italian dressing
1 1/2 Cups water
1 1/2 Cups beef stock/broth
Chuck roast(whatever size)

Put the roast in the slow cooker. Mix the seasonings and sprinkle over the meat. Pour in the water and stock. High for 8-10 hours. Easy and delicious.

[Shit Dickface]

god I love my slow cooker so fucking much

[V]

Chicken Marsala

1 3/4 cups reduced chicken broth (14 fl oz)
2 tablespoons finely chopped shallot
5 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 pound mushrooms, trimmed and thinly sliced
1 1/2 teaspoons finely chopped fresh sage
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
1 cup all-purpose flour
4 skinless boneless chicken breast halves (2 lb total)
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons dry Marsala wine
2/3 cup heavy cream
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice

1: Put oven rack in middle position and preheat oven to 200°F.

2: Bring broth to a boil in a 2-quart saucepan over high heat, then boil, uncovered, until reduced to about 3/4 cup, about 20 minutes.

3: Cook shallots in 3 tablespoons butter in an 8- to 10-inch heavy skillet over moderate heat, stirring, until shallot begins to turn golden, about 1 minute. Add mushrooms, 1 teaspoon sage, salt, and pepper and cook, stirring occasionally, until liquid mushrooms give off is evaporated and mushrooms begin to brown, 6 to 8 minutes. Remove from heat.

4: Put flour in a wide shallow bowl. Gently pound chicken to 1/4 inch thick between 2 sheets of plastic wrap using the flat side of a meat pounder or a rolling pin.

5: Pat chicken dry and season with salt and pepper, then dredge in flour, 1 piece at a time, shaking off excess. Transfer to sheets of wax paper, arranging chicken in 1 layer.

6: Heat 1 tablespoon each of oil and butter in a 10-inch heavy skillet over moderately high heat until foam subsides, then sauté half of chicken, turning over once, until golden and just cooked through, about 4 minutes total. Transfer cooked chicken to a large heatproof platter, arranging in 1 layer, then put platter in oven to keep warm. Wipe out skillet with paper towels and cook remaining chicken in same manner, then transfer to oven, arranging in 1 layer.

7: Add 1/2 cup wine to skillet and boil over high heat, stirring and scraping up brown bits, about 30 seconds. Add reduced broth, cream, and mushrooms, then simmer, stirring occasionally, until sauce is slightly thickened, 6 to 8 minutes. Add lemon juice and remaining 2 tablespoons wine and 1/2 teaspoon sage.

8: Nom.

[Martin]

Gong Bao chicken with peanuts
gong bao ji ding

This dish, also known as Kung Pao chicken, has the curious distinction of having been labelled as politically incorrect during the Cultural Revolution. It is named after a late Qing Dynasty (late nineteenth-century) governor of Sichuan, Ding Baozhen, who is said to have particularly enjoyed eating it – gong bao was his official title. This association with an Imperial bureaucrat was enough to provoke the wrath of the Cultural Revolution radicals, and it was renamed ‘fast-fried chicken cubes’ (hong bao ji ding) or ‘chicken cubes with seared chillies’ (hu la ji ding) until its political rehabilitation in the 1980s.

Ingredients
2 boneless chicken breasts (about 300g or 3/4 pound in total)
3 cloves of garlic and an equivalent amount of ginger
5 spring onions, white parts only
2 tbsp groundnut oil
a handful of dried red chillies (at least 10)
1 tsp whole Sichuan pepper (IMPORTANT. And use the real deal, not the cheap stuff that smells like peesticide. If it's 1-2 dollars, it's NOT IT YOU CHEAP PIECE OF SHIT.)
You can add some bell peppers if you want, but it ain't the real deal.

75g (2/3 cup) roasted peanuts
For the marinade:
½ tsp salt
2 tsp light soy sauce
1 tsp Shaoxing wine
1½ tsp potato flour
1 tbsp water
For the sauce:
3 tsp sugar
¾ tsp potato flour
1 tsp dark soy sauce
1 tsp light soy sauce
3 tsp Chinkiang vinegar
1 tsp sesame oil
1 tbsp chicken stock or water

Serves 2 as a main dish with rice and one stir-fried vegetable dish, 4 with three other dishes

1. Cut the chicken as evenly as possible into 1cm strips and then into small cubes. Mix with the marinade ingredients.
2. Peel and thinly slice the garlic and ginger, and chop the spring onions into 1cm (1/2 inch) chunks. Snip the chillies into 1.5cm (3/4 inch) sections, discarding seeds as far as possible. Combine the sauce ingredients in a small bowl.
3. Pour a little groundnut oil into the wok and heat until it smokes, swirling the oil around to cover the entire base of the wok. Pour off into a heatproof container. Add 3 tbsp fresh oil and heat over a high flame. When the oil is hot but not smoking, add the chillies and Sichuan pepper and stir-fry for a few seconds until they are fragrant (take care not to burn them).
4. Add the chicken and continue to stir-fry. When the chicken cubes have separated, add the ginger, garlic and spring onions and stir-fry until they are fragrant and the meat is just cooked.
5. Give the sauce a stir and add to the wok, continuing to stir and toss. As soon as the sauce has become thick and lustrous, add the peanuts, mix them in, and serve immediately.
6. Serve this awesome piece of cooking on rice. Prepare for amazement. Both now and tomorrow morning.

[V]

"Lustrous sauce"...

I'm now officially erect.

Szechuan Shredded Pork with Garlic Sauce

4 large boneless pork chops
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 tablespoons tomato purée
1 tablespoon Chinese dark vinegar
1 tablespoon chili paste with garlic
1 tablespoon sugar
2 teaspoons shao hsing (Chinese rice wine) or dry sherry
2 teaspoons thin soy sauce
1 teaspoon Chinese sesame oil
1 teaspoon cornstarch
1 quart peanut oil
2 stalks celery, cut into julienne
2 tablespoons minced garlic
1 tablespoon grated fresh ginger
5 scallions, finely chopped
7 fresh water chestnuts, peeled and diced

1. Freeze pork slightly, then cut into long, thin julienne strips. Mix well with baking soda, and add just enough water to cover. Refrigerate, covered, for 5 hours.
2. When ready to cook, rinse pork and dry well.
3. Make the sauce: Mix together the tomato purée, vinegar, chili paste, 1 tablespoon water, sugar, shao hsing, soy sauce, and sesame oil. Blend the cornstarch with a little water until it becomes a milky cream, and stir into the sauce.
4. Heat the peanut oil in a wok to 375 degrees. Add pork and deep-fry for 30 seconds. Remove pork and place on paper towels. Let the oil return to 375 degrees, add the celery, and deep-fry 30 seconds. Remove and place on paper towels.
5. Pour off all but 1 tablespoon oil. Over high heat stir-fry garlic, ginger, and scallions for 1 minute. Add water chestnuts, stirring. Add pork and celery, and continue stirring. Add sauce mixture. Bring to boil quickly and serve immediately.
6. Serve over noodles or rice, then nom.

[Shit Dickface]

You guys are goddamn geniuses. I'm making one of these tomorrow night.

[V]

Prepare for amazement. Both now and tomorrow morning.

Fuck me sideways, that pepper is PRICY!

$9 a package!

But I got it anyway. This shit will be in my belly by 1900 hrs. tomorrow, lustrous sauce and all!

If it's as good as it sounds, that $9 will be the best I've spent in a while.

[Abraham Smashington]

goddamn you guys and your "I'M MADE OF MONEY" recipes.. I hate you guys