X-Files

[Abraham Smashington]

So I should have started this thread when I began going through all of the season again at work, but I've been busy.

So, just finished Darkness Falls. Oh snap, glowin the dark mites attacking loggers? ECO-TERRORISTS! OMGZORS. Scully freaking the fuck out with some horrible acting by Gillian. Mulder is too trusting of the monkeywrencher. Oh SNAPS THEY GOT IN THE CAR! Oh nevermind, they are okay. BUT THE BUGS ARE STILL OUT THERE!

[Nathan]

Could never get into it. I must be too square.

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

Loved it as a kid...it lost me at some point. I wouldn't be opposed to checking it out again from the beginning. Fucking Gillian is easy on the eyes.

[Abraham Smashington]

TOOMS

I fucking love this character. One of my favorite episodes of Season 1. HE's like a forgotten character of X-MEN. BEWARE THE YELLOW EYES and STRETCHY HANDS! Uptight Dr. looks uptight. OH SNAP! He's back to normal. Tooms is always sweaty. Kind of like Lesley. Kidding, kidding. This guy looks like a pedophile. I don't trust him. Uh oh yellow eyes are back, that can't be good. *cue intro music whistling*

YAY SKINNER! And CSM looking all nicotiney. Skinner doesn't believe in the open mind. And CSM just smokes. All the time. Kind of like me, except I am not involved in any conspiracies. *shifty eyes* DO IT BY THE BOOK SCULLY!

And the court is reviewing Tooms. Personally, he'd be locked up forever. Yellow Eyes are not normal dammit. Sweet, so if I lose my job, It's okay to climb into people's airvents and attack people. Good to know. Mulder is not buying any of it. ANY OF IT! Oh snap, yellow eyes is back. Tooms needs to keep that shit under control. Especially in court. Mr. Mulder is about to layeth the smack down. Yet, noone believes him. 19 homicides in 100 years. GUILTY! Mmmm...Liver....tasty tasty liver. Maybe Tooms isn't too bad. Scully can't believe Mulder is trying to show the court all of this.

YOU CAN't HANDLE THE TRUTH. I'M FOX BADASS MULDER YOU DIRTY WHORE! Awwws...noone believes him. But they will.....they will..... And.....they release Tooms. Mulder looks annoyed. And Tooms looks like he cannot wait to touch a little boy. A William Shatner lookalike is in the court. And Tooms walks.

And Scully still isn't playing ball yet. Come on! Follow Fox's hunch. Tooms just smiled creepily at Mulder. He's living in a halfway house now. "I'm sure you'll be able to squeeze in..." Oh snaps....


And he's back to cleaning up dead animals. But you know he just wants to eat them. Haha, his license plate says NUB. Ewwww he's gonna get rabies by doing that. Uhoh he smells the liver of a hottie. He's going all Yellow Eyes again. Man, she is not attractive...at all. OHSNAPS! Mulder is back! Haha, you fuck him up Mulder. "I use him to hunt moose!"

Old Cop is pissed. He couldnt' catch Tooms 30 years ago, and now he's feeling even more like an old loser. Suprised he isn't hitting the bottle. He has a hunch. He kind of looks like a wierd Brimley reject. Oh snaps! One body with the evidence that it is TOOMS! Now it's on like Donkey Kong! Time to get a jackhammer! Or, some ground penetrating radar. That's fancy pants stuff. Old Cop doesn't get it. He can't seem to understand basic words.

And Old Cop goes off by himself. That doesn't seem smart. And points at the ground and declares ITS HERE! I POOPED MYSELF! Those are some pretty good skills mr. old cop.

Tooms has some crazy cheekbones. YELLOW EYES ARE BACK!

And now the jackhammer. Oh, Old Cop you better be right. And he was. Once a cop always a cop, even if you're pooping yourself.

Hmmms....new victim of Tooms....has no idea what's in store for him. You don't fuck with the Baltimore Animal Regulation patrol. And FOX BADASS MULDER is following him. Nice. He totally could have gotten some, but his TPS reports were just too interesting. Dammit MULDER WAKE UP!

Uh oh, Tooms is gone! Mulder, you done fucked up! Haha NUB license plate is back. Oversized t-shirts for women before bed....I dont' get it. Just go nude.

Hmmms... yeah, you snake that toilet you dirty whore. Now go make me a sandwich. Hmmms....is that a ghoulie coming out of the toilet? OMG ITS TOOMS!

Can't believe she didn't wash her hands. ANd Mulder is sneaking around...not doing a good job with it. And Tooms is going in the for the kill!!! Mr. TPS Report guy has no clue. Thankgod Mulder does. YELLOW EYES!

Mulder barges in, and TOOMS gets away! DAMMIT! That's why you always have backup Mulder. COME ON!

And nerdy doctor explains to Scully about the body in cement. THey found PENNIES!! CASE SOLVED! Oh, wait, it's not. Dammit. Looks like Tooms gnawed on the body. But the doctor doesn't go by the book. And he used his super computer to get a picture of the skull. Haha. It looks like a bad photoshop. Awesome.

Mulder listens to Stern. BABA BOOEY! Mmm...liverwurst... And Mulder spouts off rules. He doesn't need sleep. Shut your whore mouth Scully! They're gonna end the X-Files?!? Mulder won't let that happen. We still have at least 8 seasons left!

And now Scully is finally gonna go on stakeout with Mulder. Hmms....what's in the trunk! OMGZORS ITS TOOMS!

Hmms...this sandwich looks wierd. SCully has an idea! Hmmmm...bad movie....OMG THE FLY! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Mulder has good tastes in movies. Yet he's not really paying attention. He should be, because his air vent screws are opening slowly....Maybe it's the wind.... NOPE! TOOMS!

DUN DUN DUN!!! WAKE UP MULDER! Tooms is scraching his face....now's he bleeding all over Mulder's hardwood floors. Oh I see what you did there Tooms. He's making it look like Mulder kicked his ass! Uh ohes....he just told the doctor and the detective it was Fox. You sonofabitch.

And they wake Mulder up...Those bastards. Hmms...they're looking for something. Cop #2 finds dirty shoes...THEY ARE A MATCH. BUSTED! Hmms....a screw from Mulder's vent.

SKINNER STOP BREAKING HIS BALLS! Mulder doesnt' sweat it. Tooms is totally framing him. And CSM is still looking nicotiney. And now Skinner is fellating Mulder. Mulder doesn't have time for this. He has a perp to catch!


And thanks to Mulder's sandwich, Scully gets an idea. TEETH MARKS ON THE LIVER! OMGZORS. And now they are using the SUPER BADASS COMPUTER again. Snaps! They have TOOMS's bite pattern. IT'S A MATCH!

Tooms is all OCD with his newspapers strips. It's like the Langoliers all over again. YELLOW EYES! he really needs to control those things. Dead giveaway. HAha, are you making paper mache? Oh Tooms....he likes art. He's gonna kill the doctor! AHHHHRHGHGHARHRHGHGHGHGDEATH.

Mulder and Scully show up....just way too late. Guns out, ready to kick in some heads. And he's building a nest. Hmms....Tooms is trying to get back to his old stomping grounds. But now it's a brand new mall. Hmmms....maybe the big GOLD PLATE on the floor is the area? No? Oh well. WAIT. BOOYAH, Mulder is a goddamn pimp. He's going to climb in that hole like a tunnel rat and smoke Tooms out. I wonder what will happen. *bites nails*

Hmms...that's some wierd slime....Mulder doesnt' care. He's gonna find Tooms any way he can. Hmms...what's that noise? GROSS! Mulder found the cocoon. I wonder if Steve Guttenberg is gonna show up soon? OMGZORS Tooms is dragging Mulder into the cocoon. He's covered in placenta! RUN MULDER RUN!

NAKED PLACENTA MAN GRABS MULDER! Scully tries to get a shot off....pulls Mulder out! OMGZORS the downfall of Tooms was an......ESCLATOR! Case closed. Or is it?!?!

[Nathan]

You walkin' on sunshine there Hughes? Duster is not the answer man!

[PHEDG]

Wait...that's not the camouflage swamp thing looking dude one, is it?

[Abraham Smashington]

BORN AGAIN

OH SNAP JANICE FROM FRIENDS IN THIS EPISODE! She's kind of hot. In this one, not in Friends. Hmmms....little girl in the alley. I wonder what that is about? Janice wonders as well. Little girl is freaky. I'm waiting for firestarter to burst out of her. OMGZORS the detective was just thrown out of the window! Little Girl is super strong or something. That's quite the fall. Janice cannot believe it. And little girl looks scary. *cue whistling theme music*

Janice is kinda hitting on Mulder. She kind of looks like Amy Winehose pre death face.

Super computer is back. Little girl is a bad actress. And a snaggletooth to boot. HMMS....she is freaky. Me thinks she has some powers. And so does Mulder. She looks like a rape victim. And she's gone through 4 nannys. Noone can deal with freaky little girl. Not even her mother. SHE IS A DISTURBED CHILD! Scully isn't buying it. The mom is freaking out. She hears voices. No pool for you little girl. Not yours.

Mulder thinks the little girl is a firestarter as well. I should have been his partner. And now the dolls are brought out. And creepy little girl dismembers dolls the same way every time. SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHERE HE TOUCHED YOU!

Hmmms...burns on the detective body from the beginning. Scully has no idea what the fuck is going on. And Janice fucks up the autopsy. OH MY GAWD!

But...she found a match to the little girl's perp sketch. Little girl SEES DEAD PEOPLE! I wonder if she knows Haley Joel Osment? Ok, this episode is kind of boring. I'm going to go out on a limb that it won't be resolved. And the X-Files will continue on.

[PHEDG]

Janice is kinda hitting on Mulder. She kind of looks like Amy Winehose pre death face.

[Abraham Smashington]

Sleepless


Hmmm...old guy just chillin...looks like someone is cheechin in his room...OMGZORS FIRE! Quick call 911! Ooh, he's a Dr.... EXPLOSION OF HEAT! BLASTOISE I CHOOSE YOU!
OMG he's gonna die! Yep, he dies. Firemen are too slow....wait a minute....there is no fire...HEY IT'S TONY TODD!!! I think the Candyman may have something to do with it... False alarm my ass Mr. Mustached Fireman....no fire damage but old man is dead next to empty fire extinguisher....This may be a X-FILE
(cue whistling intro music)

Hmmms....Mulder looks quite dapper in those tight blue jeans...what's this?? Someone circled my newspaper article already?! Why did this tape fall out of the folded newspaper?! I'M FOX BADASS MULDER! NO ONE DOES THAT!
Skinner looks skeptical like usual. Mulder doesn't care...He's a renegade! A loose cannon...A RIGGS!


Oh snap Skinner, you best let Mulder look into this. And fuck you Mulder, you need to listen to 24 hours of Long Island accents in a wiretap....OH SNAP!


IT's KRYCHEK! I bet if Mulder could go back in time, he'd kill this guy right now. You're no Scully, and he already cockblocked Mulder. Fucking Krychek. Oh in your face bitch! IT's time to work together.
He's one smug bastard....PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE MULDER!


He kind of looks like Clark Kent. What a bitch. Yeah, you listen to Mulder. Go get FOX BADASS MULDER a car...then a sandwich. Extra mayo, that's how Mulder likes his sandwiches.


Hmmm...Scully is teaching a class. Kind of like Grey's Anatomy. Except Scully is hotter than anyone on that show. Hmmm...Mulder uses fake name to get her to answer the phone. He's one sneaky bastard. Dammit Scully, just do the goddamn autopsy.


Hey NATE! They are at sleep clinic. I wonder if this is what your place of work looks like? I doubt it. Do you have a lot of renegade FBI agents strolling about. I think that guy has a boner? Night terrors? BS. Freddy Krueger bitches.



Scientist talk, scientist talk...blah blah..wait? Alter people's dreams? Hmmms....Mulder is totally about this. Time to not tell Krychek about it....Awwws, Kry is hurt...sniff sniff. And now he's trying to suck his dick. Mulder doesn't have time for this bullshit. And the Dr. in the beginning didn't die of cardiac arrest, but something else. Go Scully!


Mmmm...stomach...And Scully doesn't like Krychek either. Good. He's a dick. And he can't handle the autopsy...what a punk. And the plot thickens....the body shows signs of a burn victim...but THERE WAS NO FIRE! OH SNAP! XFILES TIME! *insert A-Team music*


"It's almost as if his body believed he was burning"...hmms...Paging Wes Craven....


Hmm, now we have a redneck drunk. He looks tired. And what is that scar all about? HEY TONY TODD! I mean PREACHER! Redneck knows Tony. Seems to be some sort of connection between the two? Man Tony is one freaky bastard. Redneck is trying to forget...something....I think Tony knows what it is. THE FACES! EVERYDAY! WE ARE ALL GOING TO HELL! I think Tony has been huffing the duster a bit too much. Redneck knows Tony killed the Dr. TOny doesn't seem to happy about that. And of course, VIETNAM IS THE CAUSE! Goddamn baby rapers.


HOLY SHIT, BURNED VIETNAMESE PEOPLE! Redneck can't deal. Tony thiniks it's all good. And they blow redneck away! Hmms...no blood, or bullet holes....DUN DUN DUNNNN


Yet the body shows trauma of gunshot wounds....And Mulder thinks something is wierd with the scar on the back of the neck. And the Dr. was stationed with the redneck at Paris Island. It's all coming together.
Mulder uses his sweet FBI COMPUTER OF AWESOMENESS to find the other members of redneck's unit.Turns out Tony Todd was a part of the unit.


And he is gone! OMGZORS. Tony Todd is a goddamn pimp. He's the unburned version of Freddy Krueger. And without the pedophile angle. OOOHH...New Deep Throat is calling Mulder.


New Deep Throat is not as badass as old Deep Throat. And he comes baring gifts. "Sleep is the soldier's greatest enemy". OMGZORS SLEEP ERADICATION EXPERIMENTS!


And they had 4000 kills for a 13 man squad. Nate, get to work on some Sleep Eradication Experiments! Tony Todd hasn't slept in 24 years! Imagine the possibilites.


THE TRUTH IS STILL OUT THERE! Gee, thanks NDT (new Deep Throat for the acroynm challenged)

Hmmms....Krychek seems kinda pissed. And now Tony Todd is robbing drug stores. He must need his DXM fix. Uhohes...A shoot out. Go MULDER! What a badass. And Tony Todd can jump out of windows without being hurt. Epic. What can't this man do? Oh that's right. Live at the end of a zombie movie.


And Scully is now typing and talking like Doogie Howser. And for a second looked like Kevin from Sin City. Turns out Dr. No Sleep did some brain surgery on these marines. Then pumped them full of Seratonin.
So Mulder thinks that Tony Todd can project hallucinations from his mind into other people. This is why he's a badass. Cause HE THINKS OUTSIDE THE BOX!


This guy I work with kinda looks like Tony Todd. Hmmms...
I wish Mulder would think about WHY Krychek is so open to his ideas. Goddammit Mulder. HE"S NOT A GOOD GUY!


Hey I know that guy. Dammit, I wish I could remember his name! Anyways, "that guy" is working at a diner and looks like hell. He's also a part of the NO SLEEP KILLING MACHINES! And he has the same SCAR! OMGZORS!


So the Marines loved not having to sleep at first...but then it sucked. Really? It would fucking suck not to sleep. And then of course the entire squad went AWOL. Then they made up their own missions and started killing anyone and everyone. And Tony Todd is apparently a Christian. IT all makes sense now.


And now there is another Doc that worked on the project. And now Mulder is gonna find him before Tony Todd does, cause that's what MULDER DOES!

AND THE CHASE IS ON! GO MULDER! QUICK FIND BALDING LEONARD MALTIN! Uh ohes...Tony Todd is just chilling....Me thinks he's gonna find the Doc first. Yep. MULDER HAS BEEN SHOT! OMGZORS!


JK LOL. And now Mulder is going crazy. Or is he?!?!?!?!?!


And now Mulder knows where Tony Todd is keeping the Doc. And the Doc is trying to bargain his way out of being killed. But Tony isn't having any of that. TONY TODD BITCH SLAP!



BEWARE THE EPIC POINTER FINGER OF THE TODD!


Uh ohes. And now all of the dead soldiers are grabbing scalpels. I would not want to be that Doc right now.

And Mulder goes off by himself to face THE TODD! Hmmm they just showed a big ass pipe. I wonder if that's how Todd will die? FORESHADOWING FOR THE WIN! (nope....Stupid Krychek)



He is just so tired. Just shoot him Mulder. Dammit. Pick up your gun and shoot him. Never try to reason with THE TODD. Mulder looks like a lost puppy dog. And now KRYCHEK is holding a gun at THE TODD. HEs JUST HOLDING A BIBLE! Dammit Krychek!



AND THE FILE FROM MULDER's CAR HAS BEEN STOLEN! AND SCULLY'S LAB WAS RANSACKED!
I think it was Krychek...Yep...he's working the CSM who still looks all nicotiney.

TRUST NO ONE!