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  • Merry Christmas

    1) No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

    2) There are 2 billion children (defined as persons under 18) in the world; However, since Santa doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload down to 15% of the original total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average census rate of 3.5 children per household, that's only 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there is at least one good child in each.

    3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh, and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which we know to be false but will accept for the purpose of these calculations), we are talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus eating, etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run 15 miles per hour at the most.

    4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-size set of Lego building blocks (about two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer exist (see point 1), can fly very quickly (see point 2), and can pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine, reindeer. We would need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2.

    5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they would burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within .00426 seconds. Santa, meanwhile, would be subjected to forces 17,500 times greater than normal gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

  • #2
    Everyone knows that Santa can stop time, so the above is all moot.
    Blog Time! http://plasticlovin.blogspot.com/

    Reporter: "Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?"
    John Lennon: "Ringo isn't even the best drummer in The Beatles."

    Forget it Viet, it's Hockentown. - Russ

    Lord Hocken's gaze was that of the Green Horned Mindraper.

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    • #3
      Your "facts" do not factor in magic thus, fail.
      "Fuck Rob. Also, he has a podcast called Podcaust. Edgy Holocaust humor lulz indeed." - The Faraci

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      • #4
        LITHGOWASS™ hates Christmas.

        "Looking like Nic Cage dressed in Kurt Cobain's closet. I mean that as a compliment" - BillyG

        "Too cunty for wine bars, too dainty for real bars." - Anderson

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        • #5

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          • #6
            It's a fucking blizzard outside. Bah, humbug. Time to go and play bumpercars...
            Originally posted by Martin
            Who the fuck is Kellan Lutz?
            Originally posted by gravedigger
            Basically what I'm saying is that, based on what I've watched so far, we should all listen to Matt more often.
            Originally posted by Martin
            And who the FUCK is Peaches Geldof?
            Kellan Lutz's girlfriend?

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            • #7
              Godspeed.
              "Looking like Nic Cage dressed in Kurt Cobain's closet. I mean that as a compliment" - BillyG

              "Too cunty for wine bars, too dainty for real bars." - Anderson

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              • #8
                Meanwhile the sun is shinning here. And it's really cold outside. Must be the early 60s/late 50s out there.
                "Everything is amazing right now and no one is happy" - Louis C.K.

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                • #9
                  It took me 20 mins to go to the store 5 mins up the road. I fucking hate this state.
                  "Looking like Nic Cage dressed in Kurt Cobain's closet. I mean that as a compliment" - BillyG

                  "Too cunty for wine bars, too dainty for real bars." - Anderson

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                  • #10
                    32° and was sunny. I fucking love this state. So much.
                    The infamous Naruto pictures. SafAri.

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                    • #11
                      I know we are much warmer in cali but this morning my doors were frozen shut, and once i was able to get into my car it said it was 35 degrees...
                      I'm Asian. I have naturally squinty eyes, which helps when reading small print/text.--Nerdious
                      Sasha Grey makes my willy do things that my balls are scared of.--Ari
                      Oh Wendy O. How she makes my balls climb into my scrotum.--Rob
                      She doesn't have a hippo shaped cock.--Ari

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                      • #12
                        We didn't even get to 35 degrees today.
                        "Looking like Nic Cage dressed in Kurt Cobain's closet. I mean that as a compliment" - BillyG

                        "Too cunty for wine bars, too dainty for real bars." - Anderson

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                        • #13
                          High was 83 today with 86% humidity. Needless to say, my AC is on right now.
                          We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.
                          - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

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                          • #14
                            I'm about ready to go a neg repping spree. haha
                            "Looking like Nic Cage dressed in Kurt Cobain's closet. I mean that as a compliment" - BillyG

                            "Too cunty for wine bars, too dainty for real bars." - Anderson

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                            • #15
                              I actually wouldn't mind some cold (some, mind you not what you guys get). I hate that I'm sweating in December. Really.
                              We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.
                              - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

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