You sound fat: THE THREAD

[Lisa]

CONFESSION: I sorta want a Luther.

CONFESSION: I sorta want you to not die.

[Abraham Smashington]

CONFESSION: I sorta want you to not die.

CONFESSION:

[Howard]

Confession: I'm going to stop at Hardee's tonight and get the Monster Thickburger.

[Lisa]

Confession: That sounds dirty! "Hur hurr hurr!"

[gravedigger]

CONFESSION: I sorta want a Luther.

I DEFINITELY want one. Cheeseburgers and donuts are two great tastes that have to taste great together. It would be a crime against nature for it not to be delicious.

[Abraham Smashington]

The Luther (had no idea that was it's name) is awesome. Made one for myself a few years ago. Highly fucking recommended. Seriously.

[nerdious dorkus]

Living in a cul-de-sac is what's really making you fat.

[Howard]

Almost everyone in my cul-de-sac is skinny. Ratio, roughly 1 person overweight for 9 skinny folks. I say lies.

[Ed Hocken]

I live on a cul-de-sac, who the fuck is funding such a study? No, it isn't the shit you eat, it's the fact you're street isn't connected with the others. Come on.

[Shit Dickface]

Speaking of fat, the best part about not being as lardy as I was a few months ago? MUCH LESS SWEATING.

[Ed Hocken]

I always chuckle at the line "You don't sweat while you eat anymore".

[Shit Dickface]

There was, sadly, a point in my life where I found that I was sweating while eating. It's totally not a myth.

[Ed Hocken]

Good lord!

[Lisa]

I love that this thread got bumped. Allow me to enlighten you as to why...

So hey, it's payday, so I decide to try and find a couple of cute summer tops now that it's getting hot out. So I'm buzzing in and out of a few stores, seeing if there's anything cute. I finally spot a couple of tops I like, and I go in to try them on. And you guys know I'm always bitching about how I want to lose weight (and yes, I'm noshing on a nice green salad in between typing these words), so I'm trying on a medium and a large in the same top, and the medium fits pretty well, but it's showing of my love-handles a bit more than I like. But the large is way too big (and yes, I know sizes mean nothing - I have a top in a small that hangs off of me). So who else can a girl commiserate with right then and there but the dressing room attendant, right? So she's going, "The large is too big for you, honey, you have to go with the medium." I said, "Yeah, I know, but I'm just not crazy about the way the medium comes in at the waist and shows off these rolls I've got."

Wanna know what this genius says to me? "Oh, that's easy to get rid of. Just go on a diet of vinegar and laxatives for a couple of weeks." I said, "You know how dangerous that is, right? You know that that's abusing laxatives and living off of nothing but vinegar. I know a girl who died from abusing laxatives." (And that's the truth, too. A girl I was friendly with back when I was doing stand up when I first moved here died from abusing laxatives. Her death was so horrific, they actually did a piece about her in NY Magazine. So the next time someone says something insensitive about your weight, show them this article about my friend Margaret, and watch them shut the fuck up).

Anyway, this moron repeats it, and says, "Yeah, but the girl you knew probably did it long term. This is just for a couple of weeks." Oh, that's all. Just for a couple of weeks. Y'know, just abuse laxatives and live on one ingredient for salad dressing for a couple of weeks - as you would do.

Quite frankly, this dipshit is the last person who should be working a dressing room, where she's counseling women who are very possibly going to be unhappy at the way an article of clothing looks on them. This is the last person a woman should be turning to when they're thinking, "This makes me look fat." Dope.

[Shit Dickface]

WHAT THE FUCK. PEOPLE RECOMMEND THIS SHIT? ARE YOU SERIOUS. YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS.