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Oh man....
How can you fuck this one up?
Here's how:
And then the comparisons of him trying to retell the Dracula story...weak...
and the biggest misstep of them all:
No whip?
DER DER DERRRR
Jesus Christ. Just make Van Helsing 2 : WE promise to make it interesting
I'd rather see that than this. How this man keeps getting work I have no idea.
Oh man....
How can you fuck this one up?
Here's how:
Yet here Anderson almost completely ignores the existing storyline in favor of plot so reminiscent of Bram Stoker’s Dracula that I wondered if I was indeed reading a script for a Castlevania adaptation or a remake of Francis Ford Coppola’s film. Gone is the epic struggle that spans generations between Dracula and the Belmont clan. Gone are the monstrous inhabitants of Castlevania such as mummies, Medusa, and Frankenstein’s monster that stand in the way of Simon’s quest. Gone even is the signature weapon of the Belmonts, the Vampire Killer – a sacred chain whip that is used so successfully to battle the forces of darkness.
Instead for some reason we are introduced to Castlevania through the eyes of German soldiers during World War II, who seek to use it as a temporary stronghold but are quickly dispatched by its sinister inhabitants. Along with the ending this bookends the film with what I suppose is a theme of the timelessness of the castle and its dark lord, yet the audience invests nothing in these one-dimensional characters and will care nothing of their deaths. And really, we don’t even see what it is that kills the soldiers. The script describes a lot of things moving unseen in the dark and expressions of growing terror on the faces of the soldiers as they are killed, but in a post The Ring-The Grudge-Last Missed Call-The Strangers-Eli Roth-Rob Zombie world is this even going to be effectively suspenseful? But I digress.
We then flash back to the mid 1500’s, and instead of being introduced to a clan of Belmonts we meet the last two surviving brothers of the family: Christopher and Simon. Both are lords of a small contingent of Romanian knights sworn to fight the invading Turks responsible for the deaths of their parents and the ravaging of their homeland. No surprise here the elder Simon plays Prince Willam to Christopher’s more reckless Prince Harry, if you catch my analogy. No sooner do we meet them scouting ahead of their party than do they encounter a gypsy carriage under attack by a pack of ravenous, gray wolves, and among them a much larger, black wolf (if you guessed this is Dracula, kudos for realizing the obvious). After the brothers fend them off, not without Christopher suffering a bite wound from the black wolf that strangely consists of only two holes in his neck (can you say foreshadowing?), we meet the lone survivor: a beautiful young gypsy woman named Aurica. Once the Belmont brothers and their recently rescued damsel-in-distress who is actually tougher and more self-reliant than she looks (no surprise there) reunite with the rest of the knights they move on and find the same village and overlooking castle we saw discovered by the German soldiers in the opening scene.
Instead for some reason we are introduced to Castlevania through the eyes of German soldiers during World War II, who seek to use it as a temporary stronghold but are quickly dispatched by its sinister inhabitants. Along with the ending this bookends the film with what I suppose is a theme of the timelessness of the castle and its dark lord, yet the audience invests nothing in these one-dimensional characters and will care nothing of their deaths. And really, we don’t even see what it is that kills the soldiers. The script describes a lot of things moving unseen in the dark and expressions of growing terror on the faces of the soldiers as they are killed, but in a post The Ring-The Grudge-Last Missed Call-The Strangers-Eli Roth-Rob Zombie world is this even going to be effectively suspenseful? But I digress.
We then flash back to the mid 1500’s, and instead of being introduced to a clan of Belmonts we meet the last two surviving brothers of the family: Christopher and Simon. Both are lords of a small contingent of Romanian knights sworn to fight the invading Turks responsible for the deaths of their parents and the ravaging of their homeland. No surprise here the elder Simon plays Prince Willam to Christopher’s more reckless Prince Harry, if you catch my analogy. No sooner do we meet them scouting ahead of their party than do they encounter a gypsy carriage under attack by a pack of ravenous, gray wolves, and among them a much larger, black wolf (if you guessed this is Dracula, kudos for realizing the obvious). After the brothers fend them off, not without Christopher suffering a bite wound from the black wolf that strangely consists of only two holes in his neck (can you say foreshadowing?), we meet the lone survivor: a beautiful young gypsy woman named Aurica. Once the Belmont brothers and their recently rescued damsel-in-distress who is actually tougher and more self-reliant than she looks (no surprise there) reunite with the rest of the knights they move on and find the same village and overlooking castle we saw discovered by the German soldiers in the opening scene.
and the biggest misstep of them all:
It’s not Castlevania. To wit:
Though I said Vampire Killer is gone from this script, Simon does wield what is described as a chain whip in two instances. However, it is nondescript and in one of the occasions is wielded as an off-hand weapon. So what is Simon armed with throughout the film? A fucking sword.
When Simon encounters Castlevania, he has no idea of its sinister nature, no idea who its lord is, and upon meeting him no idea of the true identity of Dracul’a. The bulk of the script deals with Simon’s knights getting picked off one-by-one by Dracul’a’s brides, Dracul’a attempting to seduce Aurica, and Simon becoming convinced at an agonizingly slow pace that things are foul.
When Simon encounters Castlevania, he has no idea of its sinister nature, no idea who its lord is, and upon meeting him no idea of the true identity of Dracul’a. The bulk of the script deals with Simon’s knights getting picked off one-by-one by Dracul’a’s brides, Dracul’a attempting to seduce Aurica, and Simon becoming convinced at an agonizingly slow pace that things are foul.
No whip?
DER DER DERRRR
Jesus Christ. Just make Van Helsing 2 : WE promise to make it interesting
I'd rather see that than this. How this man keeps getting work I have no idea.
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