STAR WARS, INDY , HOWARD THE DUCK DEUCE; AND MORE

[Captain Russ]

Neat. It'll make Huttloads. My heart still belongs to Fury Road.

[Abraham Smashington]

[BillyG]

Need a 1080p version of the fallen Destroyer for my desktop. Also, Vader's helmet cropped for an iPhone 6. Thanks. SKEEEEEEEEET

[Fil]

That opening shot is gorgeous. These trailers are making the wait even longer.

[BMichaelKrol]

So you're taking Star Wars back? I guess it swore to you that it'll never, ever do that again, baby, and that you all should be together.

ETA: I liked the trailer too.

[gravedigger]

Need a 1080p version of the fallen Destroyer for my desktop. Also, Vader's helmet cropped for an iPhone 6. Thanks. SKEEEEEEEEET

Same here plz.

That trailer is so rad. I need to temper my expectations and remember that Adam Driver is in this.

[BillyG]

Same here plz.

That trailer is so rad. I need to temper my expectations and remember that Adam Driver is in this.

Adam Driver as a Sith? Aight. But Oscar Isaac looks weeeeeeeeeird to me in that X-Wing suit.

[Abraham Smashington]

Rad photos of stuff.

[Anderson]

Next attempt at leak constructing plot comes tomorrow. Mainly, because I'm fucking exhausted at this point.

[Anderson]

Also, fucking fandom.

The world freaks over a new trailer and the second tier nerd sites spend the weekend melting down.

You can google or twitter around about what's going on, but this is why I'm changing my approach to everything I do at the site.

I can't handle these kids anymore and I want to move in the exact opposite direction of how they operate.

[BMichaelKrol]

Sounds like you're getting your badass war movie in Rogue One Rob. It sounds awesome.

[Abraham Smashington]

http://www.slashfilm.com/star-wars-rogue-one-plot/

FUCK YEAH I AM

[Anderson]

  Spoiler: Episode 7: The Cobbler's Version 

It's been awhile, so there might be some huge jumps from last entry.

OPENING CREDIT SCROLL

Vader's lightsaber falls to the forest planet from the sky. A native finds it, ignites it and burns down a swath of grass. He delivers it to The General (Max von Sydow) who summons the Resistance fighters.

Poe Dameron and two wing men come soaring in across the planet's waters to recover the lightsaber. Unfortunately, they've been tailed by Kylo Ren.

The General moves to hide the saber in BB8, but Poe Dameron escapes with the droid. His wingman gets blasted out of the sky and Poe is captured and taken aboard the Super Star Destroyer.

Kylo Ren orders The General and Village destroyed for aiding the Resistance. Intro of Captain Phasma, Finn and his friend. Finn's friend dies in the attack, as he watches Kylo Ren and company butcher innocent people. Kylo Ren is frustrated by his insubordination, orders him throw into the brig to await execution.

Poe and Finn meet in the brig. Make a plan to recover artifact/BB8 and escape. The duo rescues the little droid/plot device and escape in a stolen TIE fighter. Problem is neither party is that amazing at flying it. The Imperial General (Domnhall Gleeson) orders a squad of TIE fighters to hunt them down after they blow apart the hanger (seen in the recent trailer).

The Tie Fighter is shot down over Jakku (desert planet finally got a name, 'yo) and that's where we get injured Poe and Finn. Cue dazed Finn waking up in the sand of the first trailer.

We meet Rey who has been stuck on Jakku for ages due to some mission she doesn't understand. She now works as a salvage junker, fighting with local scavengers and hanging out at the local cantina/downed ATAT she calls home.

She meets BB8 and Poe in the wreckage of the TIE Fighter, as Finn has already wandered off. She preps them and gets them loaded onto a platform attached to her speeder, then she takes off.

Finn gets in trouble in the local cantina and raises some suspicions from a couple of familiar smugglers. Finn gets in a dustup, gets his ass kicked but Chewie and Han rescue him.

The Resistance has been sent to find Finn and Poe, they want to know where Poe is. Cut back to Rey's place, where she's bonding with BB8 and Poe. Mild exposition, as we realize that Rey and Poe know each other from before this.

Finn communicates back to Poe via those little thumb size communicator things that all the cool Stormtroopers get. Poe, Rey and BB8 head into the town/cantina.

Pub is ran by Rose and her droid barkeeper. Rose is the muppet Lupita N'Yongo character. The two groups meet up at the bar/pub and BB8 unveils the lightsaber before our heroes. Rose is interested, as Rey treats her as the smartest person on the planet.

Rose tells us all about the lightsaber, gives us the flashback sequences and explains the importance of the Skywalker family.

She agrees to go along with our heroes, as they leave Jakku to bring it to the other Skywalker, Queen Leia. That's when the First Order shows up and we get crazy TIE Fighter attacks.

Everyone flees the cantina/pub, as it starts getting fire bombed. Brief bit is in new trailer.

Everyone escapes aboard the Falcon, as Han and Chewie have a moment about being back onboard for the first time in ages (new trailer). Poe tries to fly it out of there, but Han and Chewie take over.

This is the big IMAX 70MM moment, as we get the Tie Fighters blowing apart the planet to get them and the chase through the downed Star Destroyer. Think Asteroid Field with more moving parts. Falcon breaks away and makes the traditional jump to Hyperspace.

Cut to The General and Kylo Ren on the frozen homeworld of The New Order. They're assembling an invasion force for something upcoming (clips of duckfaced helmet stormtroopers in new trailer).

Our heroes arrive at Resistance HQ in the Outer Rim. Leia is fighting with the Hutt representatives about getting more aid, weapons and financial support to continue the fight against the First Order. Some like Leia because she killed Jabba, others want her dead.

This meeting ends bad, as Leia is forced to let 3P0 take over and she leaves with Artoo to meet our heroes. She embraces Han and Chewie. She recognizes Rey, which is going to be the big ongoing mystery of this shit. Talks to the others and receives Vader's saber from Rose.

She can see the first shots of Rose in new trailer handing Leia the saber. She finds the big secret crystal/jewel/plot device inside and knows that she has to get it to Luke in exile.

The problem is that he's on the Sith homeworld on the edge of the known galaxy.

Queen Leia is the figurehead for the Resistance. But, the Resistance is different from the Republic. The New Republic exists in the reclaimed systems and worlds. The Outer Rim is the sticking point as it has been fucked in the years following ROTJ.

The Moffs have taken over the Empire for the most part following a new dark force gathering Imperial forces under a new banner dubbed The First Order. First Order of what remains to be seen.

All we know is that Uber (Andy Serkis) is controlling it via Kylo Ren and he has been doing so for some time.

Leia gets a tip off that the First Order is attempting something on the ice planet, she scrambles all forces and her new super weapon to fight it.

This leads to ROTJ style final battle, as First Order engages Resistance in a firefight over the Ice Planet. The General thinks they're starting to lose, so he fires this EMP projectile weapon thing into the air, as his main superweapon isn't ready. This knocks most spacecraft out of the sky and kills most of the smaller vehicles instantly.

Resistance and First Order forces are torn apart by the General's actions, but he just wants to clear the board for Kylo Ren.

Han and Chewie crash the Falcon into the snowy grounds, as we go into ESB style repair of ship. Rey and Finn steal a speeder bike from a nearby Snowtrooper patrol to zoom off after something. Details are thin here.

Han and Chewie take off after the kids, as The General orders Kylo Ren to patrol the area and recover the Falcon. Echoes of Tarkin bossing around Vader in the scene. Uber contacts General directly and tells him to get superweapon ready or face his wrath.

Kylo Ren's team finds the Falcon, they tear it apart on the inside and Kylo Ren has a moment as he sits in the cockpit. BIG TIP OFF of his identity.

Chewie and Han return at wrong time and get captured. Kylo Ren's forces march them off, as Kylo lets Han know that they know each other.

The Resistance revs up for Round Two of fighters and superweapon not destroyed or depowered by Projectile EMP array from The General.

Back on what we believe to be Ice Planet/Empire hangout, Finn and Rey find Luke. Luke's been hanging out in a colder climate than Obi Wan, but he's been experiencing hauntings and torture via the undead Sith of this frozen world.

Luke freaks for a bit and then recognizes Rey. They bond, as Luke delivers the familiar speech from the second trailer. Luke's her uncle and it's time for the family to have a new Jedi.

Finn, Luke and Rey head back to find the Falcon has been ransacked and Han & Chewie are gone.

The heroes arrive at the The Dark Scary Castle thing to find Kylo Ren waiting for them.

Kylo fights them, as everything goes to a stalemate. Eventually, Han gets in the way begging for them to spare Kylo's life. That's when Kylo runs him through.

Chewie goes hysterical, but Han makes him promise to take care of the kid. Chewie instantly knows this means Rey and forces her and the others out of there and towards the Falcon.

Luke and Kylo Ren have a moment, then Kylo lets him take Han and leave.

Space Battle Round 2. Superweapon is online and Poe leads the final Resistance assault against the planet.

It turns out Kylo betrayed the General, as he leaves the defenses down and leaves the planet.

The First Order gets leveled, as the Falcon leaves the planet to rejoin Leia on the Resistance Homeworld.

Big Rebel Superweapon gets to fire and destroys the ground near the Castle. Big chasms open, as it seems the planet is splitting apart.

The General contacts Uber for help, but Uber leaves him to die. The General is last thing seen, as the Imperial Stronghold and Dark Castle collapse into a giant gaping chasm to die.

The First Order has suffered a major defeat, as their remaining forces are killed or captured. Kylo Ren escapes along with Uber.

Han funeral, as Leia addresses the elephant in the room with Rey. She gives her Vader's saber and orders to go to Luke.

Movie ends on a planet resembling Yavin IV, as Rey and Artoo land the Falcon and exit out to find Luke waiting for them at the top of the temple staircase.

Rey puts on her hood and prepares to take her first step into a much larger world.

[Anderson]

For repeated clarification on this matter. All I'm doing is piecing together leaks, scoops and TMZ bits to form a narrative out of material that is readily available.

[Matt]

Troy:

  Spoiler: Spoiler 

How is the Falcon on Jakku, then? Is Rey using it?