Recast Your Favorite (or Least-Favorite) Movies!

[Captain Russ]

Varsity Blues.

Written by Used Cars-era The Bobs (Gale and Zemeckis). Plus or minus a few years, due to depression over 1941.

Directed by Warriors-era Walter Hill.

And the cast:

Jonathon Moxon - Kurt Russell
Jules Harbor - Diane Lane
Coach Bud Kilmer - Rip Torn
Lance Harbor - Patrick Swayze
Darcy Sears - Michelle Pfeiffer
Charlie Tweeder - Bill Paxton
Billy Bob - Donald Gibb
Miss Davis - Joanna Cassidy

It bombs terribly.

I find it in the video store and proceed to declare it a classic.

[Ed Hocken]

David Gordon Green's Fletch

Fletch - Adam Scott
Police Chief Karlin - Alec Baldwin
Alan Stanwyck - Will Arnett
Dr. Dolan - Nick Offerman
Gail Stanwyck - Malin Ackerman
Larry - Aubrey Plaza
Fat Sam - Danny McBride
Frank Walker - Steve Carrell
Gummy - Donald Glover

[FilmNerdJamie]

With the lack of news, I'm stumped to think of the next movie to re-imagine...

[Ed Hocken]

What about an all female Glengarry GlennRoss?

[FilmNerdJamie]

Leading up to the tenth anniversary of Wet Hot American Summer (and with money in his pocket after the success of Role Models), David Wain and Michael Showalter decide to lampoon the slasher genre mixing in the same irreverent fashion together with one of the most beloved cartoon characters from their childhood.

Yogi: The Night He Came Home.

"A giant psychotic bear has escaped from his handlers on the anniversary of the day he lost his mind after his best friend Booboo was killed by hikers. Now he's headed for his old home, Jellystone Park, and he's hungry for blood. And picnic baskets. Any hikers in his way are mauled left and right.

Now only one man can stop him. Ranger Smith, the ex-ranger who knew the bear, nick-named 'Yogi' and now donning a little green hat, white collar and green tie from a stranger he killed."

In what is literally a remake of John Carpenter's Halloween, Wain casts Alec Baldwin as Smith (in the Donald Pleasance role) and Rip Torn plays the corrupt head of Jellystone who wants to keep the park open on President's Day weekend even with Yogi roaming the lands.

A real life bear is used for all scenes (including the interrogation room scene between Smith and Yogi, a la The Dark Knight) and various Wet Hot American Summer alum cameo including Christopher Meloni as one of the inmates at Yogi's psychiatric hospital and Bradley Cooper and Michael Ian Black as two horny teenagers who Yogi slaughters.

[Ed Hocken]

SCTV's Childrens Hospital

With

John Candy as Dr. Blake Downs
Eugene Levy as Jewy McJewJew
Dave Thomas as Dr. Maestro
Joe Flaherty as Sy
Rick Moranis as Sal Viscuso
Andrea Martin as Kat Black
Catherine O'Hara as Chief

[FilmNerdJamie]

Been meaning to do Francis Ford Coppola's Batman from 1982.

[Captain Russ]

In 1896, there was the scandalous, vulgar 47 second-long, Edison-produced, William Heise-directed The Kiss.

It starred May Irwin and John Rice as the couple making with the mutually-assured destruction of faces.

Women fainted, men spanked it, and everyone was very upset.

BUT NOT ANYMORE! NOT WITH TIME-TRAVELLING LARRY FLYNT ON THE CASE!

Flynt, in is gilded wheelchair, approached Edison with a loaded .45 and told him to get his shit together and make something sexy for the populace or there would be repression and persecution of the ideals of the smutty, ridiculous court fees, Jerry 'Fartwell' and Woody Harrelson castings far into the future. That last part truly went over Tommy's head, and Larry quickly changed the subject, having said too much already.

In alternate Hill Valley 1896, there was no longer a screening of The Kiss, and instead, a reel of straight up fuckin' (aka Happy Feet). For 47 seconds.

The moral high-horse riders were none too thrilled with what Fledison Productions had constructed, but then they were so repressed, having never touched a woman, that they snuck into the back of the nickelodeons in terrible Vaudeville beards, looking like ZZ Topp sans Frank. Hypocrisy knows no bounds when it concerns pleasures of the flesh, and these bastards were beatin' it like it owed them financial restitution.

And once again women fainted, men spanked it, and yet this time, no one was upset. It was a ridiculous success.

William McKinley invited Edison to screen the great clip of hardcore action in the White House for hundreds of politicians, their wives, and that guy from Monopoly. By the end of the short tittilating film, the White House was a rockin' (so don't bother knockin').

This was known as the beginning of the Hedonist movement, in which Fledison became high-end smut peddlers in the Silent Era. They took their slutty sideshow attractions to the gates of Buckingham Palace, to St. Peter's Square, and on to an epic projection of the filth parade on the side of the Great Wall.

It was a great time filled with flirting, frivolity, and fornication.

And it was all thanks to Fledison Productions, who then went over to France and kicked the Lumiere Brothers in their sacks, laughing as they rode into the sunset on a hilariously baroque buggy. THE END

[FilmNerdJamie]

I have one coming courtesy of Hocken and Phil.

Guy Hamilton's Mystery Men.

[V]

I have one coming courtesy of Hocken and Phil.

Guy Hamilton's Mystery Men.

Whole

Lee

SHEEIT!

[FilmNerdJamie]

Courtesy of Hocken and Phil...

Having taken close to a decade to recover from losing his half of the lucrative (and ultimately career-defining) James Bond franchise, producer Harry Saltzman sees superheroes are the wave of the future for blockbusters in lieu of the mega success of Superman and Superman II. His idea, however, goes against everything in development – "What happens if Superman was killed and all that was left to save the world were loser superheroes?"

Guy Hamilton's Mystery Men

His pitch is strong enough to attract what turns out to be a reunion of many 007 alum including director Hamilton (still kicking himself over losing the Superman job), screenwriter Tom Mankiewicz (who, not coincidentally wrote the two Dick Donner-directed Superman films), production designer Ken Adam and composer John Barry who collaborates with singer Tony Basil (fresh off the smash single "Mickey") for the song, "All Star."

Michael Richards - Mr. Furious
Eugene Levy - The Blue Raja
John Candy - The Shoveler
Julia-Louis Dreyfus - The Bowler
Alan Ruck - Invisible Boy
Curtis Armstrong - The Spleen
Nicol Williamson - The Sphix
Mark Hamill - Captain Amazing/Lance Hunt
Richard Moll - Casanova Frankenstein
Maude Adams - Dr. Anabel Leek
Joe Pantoliano - Tony P
Sarah Holcomb - Monica

Mistaking the alternative-loving college crowd for the general masses, after successful early preview screenings, Universal slots the expensive (estimated budget - $40 million) action/comedy on August 15, 1984 against the equally-quirky Buckaroo Banzai. Having had seen the likes of Ghostbusters, Gremlins and Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom multiple times, audiences give Banzai their dollars making it a minor hit for 20th Century Fox.

Mystery Men, on the other hand, proves to be another in Universal's string of expensive flops during the summer of '84 along with Streets of Fire and The Last Starfighter. Its failure effectively kills the producing career of Saltzman once and for all.

Trivia:
The runner-up for Mr. Furious was Larry David. Despite losing the role, his friend and Fridays co-star Richards gets him on-board to help rewrite the script to amp up the comedy. Years later, David, Richards and Dreyfus lament about "how fucking bizarre" the production was and during story sessions on Seinfeld would always ask, "Is this a good idea, bad idea or is it Mystery Men?"

Yes, that is Christopher Reeve, Sean Connery and Arnold Schwarzenegger during the "superhero try-outs" scene as rejected superheroes.

[Anderson]

I have one coming courtesy of Hocken and Phil.

Guy Hamilton's Mystery Men.

1964

Picking up the King Features/Dark Horse Funny Pages serial, United Artists decides to release the film as their Summer Tentpole release.

Sean Connery as Mr. Furious
David Niven as The Blue Raja
Peter Falk as The Spleen
Sal Mineo as Invisible Boy
Connie Francis as The Bowler
Rock Hudson as Captain Amazing
Burt Lancaster as Shoveler
Vincent Price as Casanova Frankenstein


Shot across America's Heartland, Guy Hamilton decides to make a rip-roaring adventure. Mr. Furious is a disavowed agent of MI-6 who has come to America to learn more about the costumed heroes patrolling Route 66.

What he finds is a rollicking good time with guest stars such as Sid Caesar, the surviving THREE STOOGES, Ethel Merman and Buster Keaton.

Series creator Bob Burden was quoted as saying "I don't give a shit that it has nothing to do with my book. They paid me in negro whores and cocaine!"


Take the kids this 4th of July weekend to see "THE MYSTERY MEN".

[Timothy225]

Fresh off the success of The Wizard of Oz, MGM decides to look for its next cinematic masterpiece.

From New York, the answer is found in a small comics company and one of their more obscure magazines. A magazine about so-called "children of the atom", the next step in the evolution of mankind. Beings who wield the powers of gods, yet are hated and feared by those they are sworn to protect.

And they're going to put on a SHOW!

King Vidor's X-MEN, produced by Louis B. Mayer.

Boris Karloff as Charles Xavier/Professor X
Lewis Stone as Erik Lensherr/Magneto
Frankie Thomas as Scott Summers/Cyclops
Jackie Cooper as Warren Worthington III/Archangel
Judy Garland as Jean Grey/Marvel Girl
George "Spanky" McFarland as Henry McCoy/Beast
Gene Reynolds as Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler
Dorothy Dandridge as Ororo Munroe/Storm
Mickey Rooney as Wolverine
Shirley Temple as Rogue
Tor Johnson as Cain Marko/Juggernaut

Singing, dancing, and telekinetic blasts! Adamantium claws, the power of the elements, and several Busby Berkley production numbers and Bob Mackie fashions! The film would be followed by several sequels including X-Men: Mutants over Manhattan, X-Men: Sentinel Follies of 1944, and X-Men: Apocalypse On Broadway.

[FilmNerdJamie]

Holy fuck.

I want a manip of Mickey Rooney's Wolverine YESTERDAY!

[Timothy225]

Weird. My returns/paragraphs aren't working. Sorry, folks!

ETA: Annnd, fixed.