What Emmanuelle Movie Did You Just Watch?

[Captain Russ]

It was such a bizarre and jarring shift when they went from this fully fleshed out area of the world with the orcs, then to a cheap backlot captured with a vaseline-smeared lens in Stormwind where maybe thirty people lived.

Where the budget went was obvious, I just wish it hadn't been SO damn obvious.

That said, I did enjoy Durotan's story and would probably be up for another eleventy gorillion dollar investment into more lifelike CG. Come on China, you loved this fucking thing!

[Martin]

ET THE EXTRA TERRESTRIAL- This is still very good. I watched the 2002 Special Edition, which I've never seen. It would appear every change was completely unnecessary. When I was little I remember thinking the mom was annoying. Now I see that she's a divorced mother of three barely keeping it together and it bummed me out.

Having rewatched it months ago with the kids, after like 30 years, it's a solid movie. I liked it more now than as a kid.

Goddamn right. A man of taste and refinement.

Whoa there. Put down your Pepsi and go hammer a couple of tequila shots.

[Captain Russ]

Alien: Covenant or How Ridley Scott Handles His Rapid Slide Into Senility.

This is such a mess it's kind of incredible how little anybody seemed to take the criticism of the first outing with David to heart.

Instead, it seems to have made Ridley double down on everything wrong with Prometheus, to the detriment of a coherent or engaging story.

SPOILERS ahead for those who haven't seen the trailer that basically tells the whole story in two minutes.

  Spoiler: Fair warning for the horrors of bad filmmaking. 

Aspects of intrigue are certainly there. The Necropolis set, which would be an incredible location to begin in to build a tense mystery, is instead pushed to the edges of the screen in favor of being a chase scene with proto-aliens with albinism. Same goes for David and his interactions with Walter. The same could be said of the reveal of his "experiments." Many of these moments could be filled with tension and menace, but are staged in such a way as to rob them of their potential. It's a shame, really.

When your prequel videos on fucking Youtube continue--for two films running-- to be the most compelling aspects of your film, you know you have a problem but are too set in your old ball-bag having ways to be arsed to change.

It is of note here that no amount of deaths or tragedies that befall the crew engenders any sympathy. Not even stunt casting Kenny Powers worked in that regard. They are all complete idiots and somehow become more and more dumb as the run time continues. The Prometheus crew had a few capable people onboard, but here, it is like everybody has a boner for Thanatos and actively seek out their own doom. The demise of the pilot on the excursion is one of the most unintentionally hilarious moments ever put to film. It is straight out of a Chaplin film. Only this time the tramp is caught in an explosion, never to be seen again.

Where the Prometheus crew became dumbshits was a bit later on, when in an alien environment, they get the bright idea that pathogens don't exist and they are totally fine without helmets in a rather hostile looking environment. "FUCK THAT" says the Covenant crew. "WE CAN OUTDUMB THEM, LET'S DO IT Y'ALL! FOR FRANCO!" And they arrive without A SINGLE evo suit among them for the sake of a plot that is pants-on-head retarded.

As an aside, when everything that furthers a film's plot is predicated on illogical decisions, it makes for a bad film. Danny Boyle's Sunshine handled the predicaments of risk a bit better, rationalizing the benefits of work stoppage and the like to see an increase in their success of their mission. It all fell apart, but the reason to try was made clear and understandable given the galactic catastrophe at hand. Here? A colony crew. A colony crew NEEDS to make it to their destination. Why follow ghost transmissions? You have your mission, you have THOUSANDS of lives at risk with a potential failure with even arriving in the orbit of this new planet. Sure, Not-Ripley is a conscientious objector, but she was also balling James Franco, so she already has piss poor judgment.

Speaking of piss poor judgment, the scene with Crudup blindly following David's instruction to go into a dark breeding cave and stand over a hatching egg was bordering on parody. No tension, just hilarity at how inept and illogical it all was as presented. I couldn't wait for his weak-willed self to embrace such a fate (having taken over Franco's job as resident idiot), but it was still poorly handled.

The concept of a xeno in broad daylight is not exactly exciting or frightening. The fact Tennessee doesn't shit his pants when it is on his windshield is strange enough, but the CG effects must be given a paddling here. The little howler monkey proto-xeno in the med bay, the ones chasing the crew into the necropolis, and the xeno in the last act all looked quite shoddy in motion. It's in this act of showing too much that tension is sacrificed, but far be it from me to tell Ridley Scott how to tank his own franchise. He's doing that well enough on his own.

See it if you have stiff drinks on hand and need to laugh a bit. If you're a fan of the originals, you're probably better off not going down that road and should instead pick up James Stokoe's excellent, tension-filled Alien: Dead Orbit comic.

[Abraham Smashington]

Everyone of those points are almost word for word from the latest honest trailers. I agree with them all, yet I fucking LOVED this movie. You're dead right on the best shit being stuff not in the movie (like I mentioned a few posts back), but I still loved everything with Walter/David, the experiments were super neat, and I LOVED that albino creature when his mouth was shut. That was probably the creepiest alien in ANY of these movies. The CGI alien at the end was terrible though.

[Abraham Smashington]

Also, don't question John Denver and his power to make people dumb as fuck.

[Martin]

Yay. Dead Orbit mention!

And yes, Covenant is worse than Prometheus.

Somehow, Ridley, who made some of my favorites movies of all time, is making the science fiction equivalent of Barney's Goes to Prison.

Twice.

[Abraham Smashington]

Worse than Prometheus? That's a stretch.

[Captain Russ]

Everyone of those points are almost word for word from the latest honest trailers. I agree with them all, yet I fucking LOVED this movie. You're dead right on the best shit being stuff not in the movie (like I mentioned a few posts back), but I still loved everything with Walter/David, the experiments were super neat, and I LOVED that albino creature when his mouth was shut. That was probably the creepiest alien in ANY of these movies. The CGI alien at the end was terrible though.

I did like the design of it. And when its mouth was shut, I believe that was a practical suit.

I recognized it as soon as it came in full view as a Carlos Huante joint.

He's pretty good as far as creature design is concerned, but the life cycle was really bizarre for those dudes.


EDIT: They're both pretty wack, but the intent of the former film was what direction it probably needed to go. Just make a dark sci-fi film with cosmic horrors and we're golden. The christian iconography was just too surface to be met with much impact or import when Shaw's dilemma is actually given to Not-Tom Hardy.

[Captain Russ]

I haven't seen the Honest Trailers thing yet, but I figured they'd hammer on the inconsistencies.

[Martin]

Worse than Prometheus? That's a stretch.

Yeah. Covenant's cast is dumber, and the plot is generic. The experiments were cool, and the coolest moment was David arriving at the Engineer Homeworld.

Oh wait. It's a internet short.

[Abraham Smashington]

yeah, the life cycle stuff is what threw me the most for a loop. That and the fact that

  Spoiler: spurrlers 

if Daniels is indeed going to be used to be the Queen we all know and love, WHERE THE FUCK DID THE EGGS COME FROM?

It wasn't Shaw...

[Captain Russ]

Swerve: Kenny Powers is the motherfather.

[Abraham Smashington]

MINDBLOWN

[Martin]

It's actually this guy:

[Matt]

Young Russell Crowe?