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Prejawsaphobia is an ailment affecting millions of people every day. Chances are, someone very close to you may suffer from this horrible disease. Well, I'm here to help, but first you may be curious to know what the symptoms are:
-Absolute hatred of films made prior to Jaws.
-The feeling that anything filmed in black and white is not worth your time.
-Believing that the pace of films prior to Jaws would make a snail look like the concord.
-Belief that all acting in these films was wooden, stiff, and just plain laughable.
-Thinking no special FX = no reason to watch.
-Belief that films need to have 10 edits every 15 seconds.
-The thought that if there isn't an explosion, then it can't be exciting.
You may know someone who suffers from the above symptoms, and they may try to deny it by saying, "Well I like Disney cartoons!" or, "The Wizard of Oz is cool!" but the fact of the matter is, Prejawsaphobia has probably struck, and struck hard. Fortunately there is a cure, and I'm here to help. Viewing of the following films may assist in eliminating Prejawsaphobia once and for all:
-Casablanca: Watching this film may lead one to think, "Geez, they sure ripped off a lot of lines that I've heard dozens of times before." No, my friend, all those wonderful lines originated from this movie.
-The Godfather 1 & 2: This will help the patient understand that Pacino doesn't always yell, DeNiro has done more than Meet the Parents, and that Brando was a fuckin' pimp.
-The Seven Samurai: A black and white foreign film? You may have to strap the patient down for this one, and if your patient is too unruly, you may have to substitute The Magnificent Seven, but in the end it will be well worth the effort.
-The Thin Man: Ever here of a little thing called ?on screen chemistry?? Well William Powell and Myrna Loy invented it.
-The Adventures of Robin Hood: Your patient may refuse to believe that anyone but Kevin Costner is Robin Hood. This will prove that not only is Errol Flynn the real Robin Hood, but that any film where your actors actually get shot with real arrows is pure badassness.
-Psycho: Your patient needs some Hitchcock, and Psycho will fill that void very nicely. After that, you may begin to show your patient any Hitchcock film staring Cary Grant, to prove that great acting has been around for a while.
-Night of the Living Dead: Your patient may believe that real horror is the Saw franchise or torture porn. Show them that they are very, very wrong.
-Laura: This will show that, yes, Scarlett Johansson is beautiful, but Gene Tierney was fuckin? insanely gorgeous. And as a bonus, it will teach your patient that Vincent Price did more than Edward Scissorhands and voice work on Scooby Doo.
Bonus!
-The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari: After your patient has seen all of the above, show them this silent film of the ?20s to blow their freakin? mind. A film so creepy and bizarre, you?d be hard pressed to find something like this nowadays.
So after this, Prejawsaphobia should be a thing of the past in your patient. If Prejawsaphobia does persist, however, then there is no hope for your patient except the cold, clammy hands of death.
-Absolute hatred of films made prior to Jaws.
-The feeling that anything filmed in black and white is not worth your time.
-Believing that the pace of films prior to Jaws would make a snail look like the concord.
-Belief that all acting in these films was wooden, stiff, and just plain laughable.
-Thinking no special FX = no reason to watch.
-Belief that films need to have 10 edits every 15 seconds.
-The thought that if there isn't an explosion, then it can't be exciting.
You may know someone who suffers from the above symptoms, and they may try to deny it by saying, "Well I like Disney cartoons!" or, "The Wizard of Oz is cool!" but the fact of the matter is, Prejawsaphobia has probably struck, and struck hard. Fortunately there is a cure, and I'm here to help. Viewing of the following films may assist in eliminating Prejawsaphobia once and for all:
-Casablanca: Watching this film may lead one to think, "Geez, they sure ripped off a lot of lines that I've heard dozens of times before." No, my friend, all those wonderful lines originated from this movie.
-The Godfather 1 & 2: This will help the patient understand that Pacino doesn't always yell, DeNiro has done more than Meet the Parents, and that Brando was a fuckin' pimp.
-The Seven Samurai: A black and white foreign film? You may have to strap the patient down for this one, and if your patient is too unruly, you may have to substitute The Magnificent Seven, but in the end it will be well worth the effort.
-The Thin Man: Ever here of a little thing called ?on screen chemistry?? Well William Powell and Myrna Loy invented it.
-The Adventures of Robin Hood: Your patient may refuse to believe that anyone but Kevin Costner is Robin Hood. This will prove that not only is Errol Flynn the real Robin Hood, but that any film where your actors actually get shot with real arrows is pure badassness.
-Psycho: Your patient needs some Hitchcock, and Psycho will fill that void very nicely. After that, you may begin to show your patient any Hitchcock film staring Cary Grant, to prove that great acting has been around for a while.
-Night of the Living Dead: Your patient may believe that real horror is the Saw franchise or torture porn. Show them that they are very, very wrong.
-Laura: This will show that, yes, Scarlett Johansson is beautiful, but Gene Tierney was fuckin? insanely gorgeous. And as a bonus, it will teach your patient that Vincent Price did more than Edward Scissorhands and voice work on Scooby Doo.
Bonus!
-The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari: After your patient has seen all of the above, show them this silent film of the ?20s to blow their freakin? mind. A film so creepy and bizarre, you?d be hard pressed to find something like this nowadays.
So after this, Prejawsaphobia should be a thing of the past in your patient. If Prejawsaphobia does persist, however, then there is no hope for your patient except the cold, clammy hands of death.
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