Fan Fiction: What the shit?!

[Abraham Smashington]

Here's a thread to post all of the links to the most absurd (99% of it is) fan fiction. Post a link, and a choice quote. I'll get this party started...



Tool Time?!

Thinking about his brother Randy always made Mark hard, and this time was no exception. He sat down on the edge of his bed and started to rub his rigid five inch cock. He laid back and wrapped his hand around it and began to stroke as fast as he could. He knew nobody was home so he could make all the noise he wanted. It didn’t take long before his muscles began to twitch. He threw his head back and moaned as he shot a huge load or two of cum onto his chest.

He didn’t notice Randy was standing at the door until he spoke up.
“Here you can use this to clean up.” Randy cunningly smiled his precious smile as he threw a pair of his own underwear from the basket at Mark.
“Holy shit!” Mark was extremely embarrassed, and he tugged the sheets over his still aroused midsection and covered his face with a pillow. Randy began to laugh. Instead of being his evil self, he chose to be nice. He knew this was a serious matter.

“Don’t be embarrassed, we all do it.” Mark knew that both of his brothers jacked off, but it still didn’t help much. His brothers had never been caught before, and he just had!

“When Brad and I were your age we use to jack off together and see who could shoot the farthest. We even jacked each other off a few times.” Randy let his smile fade and stared at Mark to see a reaction.

Too fucking hilarious.. What the shit?!


Goddammit...

Rose comes in from the kitchen door with a chocolate cheesecake in her arms. She went to the counter and put it down. She opened the refesiter and put the cheesecake in to cool off for later. She turned around and left the kitchen.
"Oh my God! Blanch! Right here in the living room where anyone can walk in." Rose said shocked as she witnessed Blanch lying spread eagle on the couch with a vibe rater in between her legs.
"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" Blanch screamed with ecasty. Sweat rolled down her naked body as she had termite’s orgasms.
"Me next! Me next!" Rose said as she began to undress.
Blanch fistened with one more "OH MY GOD!" She pulled the vibe rater from her. "Here Rose your turn." she whispered. She handed the vibe rater to Rose and laid back to fisten the after math.
Rose sits naked in the chair that faces against the kitchen. She puts the vibe rater between her legs and turned it on full blast. Soon Rose started to sweat as much as Blanch and she started to scream "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"
Blanch started touching herself as Rose got intense with the liberator. She struck her ring finger in her virgina and started moving it in and out and upward and backward until she too screamed "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"
The front door opened and Dorothy and Sophia walk in. They stop in shock. They cannot believe what they are witness. Both Rose and Blanch are naked and masturbating screaming "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"
"Oh my God is right." Sophia said very loudly.
Blanch and Rose suddenly noticed Dorothy and Sophia at the opened
front door.
"Shut the damn door will you. We don't want the whole neighbored hood to see." Blance said as she removed her finger from inside herself.

[Abraham Smashington]

I love how the Golden Girls story is written with the same care as alot of posts here are. Redonkulous.

[Nathan]

Sooooooo wrong.

[Ari]

Sweat rolled down her naked body as she had termite’s orgasms.

Can someone please tell me what the means?

[Abraham Smashington]

Blanch fistened with one more "OH MY GOD!" She pulled the vibe rater from her. "Here Rose your turn." she whispered. She handed the vibe rater to Rose and laid back to fisten the after math.

Who cares what any of this means. It's grandma slash fiction!

[Ari]

I can't believe this shit exists.

[Abraham Smashington]

That site is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Seriously. Do a search for some shit and then find the nasty ones. So fucking hilarious.

[ScooterLaBeef]

He-Man

"Do you like my magic device?" Skeletor panted pressing him against the wall.. Adam curved against him.
"Will you show me this magic?" Adam sighed.
"Oh believe me... I will!" replied Skeletor, hastily unlocking the chains. Together they sunk to the flower, panting and clattering, and Skeltor ripped away Adams clothes with brute force. But Adam was scarcely less eager in undressing Skeltor. Beneath the blue suit there was only a mess of flesh melted almost to the bone, but it didn't matter to Adam, for between the hips there was red, living flesh, and Adam was almost shocked at the size of Skeltors erection. The thing shimmered wetly and looked as if it wasn't a part of that emaciated body...
But all those thoughts were forgotten when Skeletor pressed him down to the ground. Without further ado he and rammed his cock between Adams legs, to discover that space inside Adams body where no man had been before, and to fill him to the brim. Adam cried out in mixed desire and pain, as the world around him began to swirl.
Hours later they lay in bed together, Skeletor fondling Adams cock lazily. He had taken him on the dungeon floor twice, and when the pain became to much for Adam's desire, they had exchanged the dungeon floor for this sleeping chamber. Adam was still asleep, exhausted. Skeletor would have loved to do something for Adam's needs, considering how hard he was, even in his sleep. Unfortunately, he lacked both lips and other organs to do so... and the time. Adams friends would come here soon enough, and then he would be in trouble. He was exhausted, like he never had been before, and he felt strangely mellow and confused. Nothing in this experience had been as he had expected, and least of all the passion he had shared with this boy, whom he had thought to treat with contempt.
"Goddbye, little Prince" he whispered, and got up. You know where to find me... " he left the room, and the cave, and went back to Snake Mountain, to do what he had to do.

[ScooterLaBeef]

Wow, I had to post the whole damn story, too funny!

The First Smurfette
A long time ago, about 1967, there lived a hippie cult. They lived in the forest in the land called San Francisco. They called their cult the Smurfs. They spent their days listening to loud psychedelic music, doing lots of drugs, and partaking in sexual deviancies.
The leader of this band of degenerate stoners was an old man know only as Papa. Papa considered himself an expert at the dark arts know as witchcraft. He was so good a leader, that he had all of his followers cover themselves blue.
He was also wanted for murder...
It was late July and damn was it hot. Mr. and Mrs. Omar Gargamel was coming home from a weekend in the mountains. When they pulled into their driveway, they knew something wasn't right. For one thing, the front door was gone. Completely missing.
"Hey, Matilda," Omar said, "our door is gone."
"Duh," said Matilda, "You sure are the fuckin' brain surgeon, ain't ya! Just get our stuff into the house. I need some whiskey and dope. You got on my last fuckin' nerve two days ago, putz.
"Yes, dear."
As they walked into their living room, they noticed something written on the wall. The words said MUSHROOMS IS BITCHIN'
"Oh my goodness!" exclaimed Omar.
"My fuckin' walls!" yelled Matilda, "I just painted this goddamn room a week ago!"
At that time, three blue midgets entered the room. One had a knife, one had a shotgun, and the third was wearing a thong bikini and was holding a rope and a bong.
"Oh, wow, man," said the first one, "We got company, man."
"Excuse me, sir," Omar started, but was interupted by Matilda.
"What the hell are you hippie freaks doing in my goddamn house?!" yelled Matilda.
"Oh, bummer, man," said the second man, "The chick's gone mental, man."
"Oh great," said Bikini man, " Thith ith jutht what we need, thome thilly thycho bitch cauthing a lot of trouble."
"What the fuck is wrong with Nancy-Boy?" Matilda asked.
"Well, you see, ma'am," said the first hippie, " Our cult doesn't have any female members, so a couple of our members had to dress up like chicks."
"Yeth, and I like the way I am, tho don't lay your homophobia on me, ethtablithment pig!"
"Blow it out your ass, Nancy-Boy!" Matilda said.
Buttmonkey Smurf got really mad at Matilda and hit her in the head with his bong. Then the first hippie, who's name was Tommy-Chong Smurf, shoved the knife's handle into Omar's face. Blood gushed out like a geyser.
"Oh, wow, man, check it out," Tommy said.
"You rotton, mutherfuckin', stinky hippie ass-fuckin' goddamn freaks!" Matilda yelled as she picked up a butcher knife. "I'm gonna gut you up like a goddamn bloated fish!"
She then hacked away at Buttmonkey Smurf like a possessed butcher, while Omar and the other two Smurfs watched in sheer terror.
After about ten minutes of serious hackage, the second hippie, who's name was Bill Jeff Clinton Smurf said,
"Oh, wow, man. Now who are we gonna fuck?"
"Hey, man," said Tommy, "I got a cool idea. Hey Matilda, man, why don't you come live with us in the forest, man?"
After thinking for a few moments, Matilda said, "Oh, what the fuck. I'm tired of suberbia anyway. Maybe now, I'll get some deep dickin'."
"What about your ol' man?" asked Clinton.
"Fuck him," she said. "That fuckin' mormon poser wouldn't even eat my pussy. I need some real men. I need to think of a new name, now.
"I got one for ya, honey," Clinton said. "I'll call you... Hillary."
And that's the story of the first Smurfette, Hillary Clinton Smurfette.

[Abraham Smashington]

Re-posted from the Random links thread, because I doubt most of you have seen this...

I give you:

Freddy vs Ghostbusters: Part 1

[Ed Hocken]

I know I mentioned this before. But if anyone wants to try and read the crap I wrote back in High School. Type "NewtonLangly" in the search bar under pen name.

[Abraham Smashington]

http://www.fanhistory.com/wiki/NewtonLangly

lulz.

[Ed Hocken]

Yup, that would indeed be the one. All of my poorly written not finished bullcrap fan fics.

I really wasted my life at that time.

[Abraham Smashington]

Summary: In a DC Elseworlds. What if, Harvey Dent wasn't touched by the acid?. What if it was his friend Commissioner Jim Gordon got instead? And the person that took Gordon's job was Lt. Harvey Bullock. How would Batman react to this? What would Barbara think? What does this have to do with the fact that Batman Beyond is gone? Absolutely nothing. But I hope you enjoy this story as much as I did writing.

FINISH THE GODDAMN STORY!

[Ed Hocken]

I'm not going to finish it. Move on.

But seriously, at the time I really I thought I was going to be a writer. So I figured I'd do this stuff for practice. Plus, me being in full blown comic-book geek mode. Well, you can figure the rest.

So much "Mary Sue"-ing it's not even funny.

I should have been working on getting laid. *Bangs head against wall*.