Craigs List Thread : The best of!

[Abraham Smashington]

http://houston.craigslist.org/roo/1603542443.html

$500 HOLY CRAP! IS THAT A ROOM FOR RENT ON MY CRAIGSLIST??!?!?!? (north of River Oaks) (map)


You bet your nomadic ass it is. Do you want to be homeless? Then you better come check this room for rent out. It has WALLS and a CEILING. BLOCKS THE FUCKIN WIND AND RAIN FOOL!

ZOMG THE LOCATION IS THE SHIT. You can WALK to Washington Avenue from here. So you can get your drink on and do some mackin playa. 10 mins from UH and Rice cause we all about higher education up in here. You could hit Memorial Parkway with a ROCK. But don't. We keep it civilized.

We got carpet up in this hoe too. They wanted to come put in hard wood floors. But I was like FUCK THAT. I don't want my feet to be cold when I get out of bed at night. Carpet. So soft. Transcends the walking barefoot experience.

Man the room... You can put your bed and furniture UP IN HERE!!!! So you can sleep, chill, even EAT. You got a private bedroom! We ain't bunk bedding out this motherfucker.

AWWW SHIT! YOUR OWN PRIVATE BATHROOM!!!! WTF!?!?!? YUH! You can shower and take a shit w/o anyone being up in your business!!! I'm not bullshittin either... I'm talking HOT WATER IN THE SHOWER.

We got ELECTRICITY. POWER ALL YOUR APPLIANCES. Play my XBox360 because I never do. No need for candles or firewood, because I got LIGHTS and HEAT.

-this pad has doors so people don't come up in yo space son
-this place has windows so you can see outside and shit. WHATSUP NEIGHBORS!
-tennis courts, 2 pools, parking garage, a park in the back, brand new gym so you can get swoll. Sand volleyball court WHAT!

Pic related, its me. Your bad ass new roommate.

[nerdious dorkus]

FUCKING WAFFLES. I had to check the picture twice to make sure I wasn't seeing Nathan Lane.

[B_Metal]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

That post was fucking excellent...

[Lisa]

Best post ever.

[Abraham Smashington]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/76162425.html

Dearest Wife, this is what I want for Fathers Day.

<hr> Date: 2005-05-31, 12:12AM PDT
<hr>
Every year you ask what I want for Father's Day with the kids (conveniently?) sitting right in front of us, and every year I provide G-rated suggestions because (call me a prude) its sorta not appropriate to ask for sexual favors in front of the kids. So in the off chance you're reading the rants or looking for a poolboy, even though we don't have a pool, here's what I really want:

I want to wake up to you sucking my cock. Defined, this means that I'm asleep and you go down on me while I'm asleep, not after 45 minutes of me pretending to be asleep and dreaming of winning the blow job lottery. Please skip the requisite if-I-have-to sigh and eye rolling for one day.

I want a breakfast including eggs, bacon, and fresh fruit. No carb-packed wheat-byproducts, nothing frozen, nothing out of a box, and especially nothing in individually wrapped servings.

I want to have a fun day doing anything except what is on the honey-do list. Anything on the do-honey list is perfectly OK.

Examples:
Giving me grief while watching Nascar Sunday is not a good idea.
Giving me head while watching Nascar Sunday is a great idea.
Asking me to dig some holes in the backyard is not a good idea.
Asking me to plug your hole in your backdoor is a great idea.
Taking the kids out for a while and letting me nap would be nice.
Taking my cock out and sucking it after my nap would be nicer.

For dinner, I want a slab of red meat. Fresh, premium, not shrink wrapped. BBQ'd, not nuked or broiled. Rare. So rare a good veterinarian can revive it. A tall, cold beer. And fresh vegetables on the side, although it's unlikely I'll eat them, so I don't know why I bothered mentioning them.

After the kiddies are asleep, I want sex. Uninhibited, sweaty, porn star sex. Gone for the night is the bored housewife in boring clothes reading a boring book, I am going to be the dominant male and you to be my submissive anything-to-please-daddy fuck-slut.

I want you wearing something erotic. Defined, 'erotic' includes leather, lace, high heels, crotchless, racy, etc. 'Erotic' probably includes that thing you bought for Valentines Day two years ago that never made it out of the drawer. 'Erotic' does not include baggy jammies, grandma underwear, furry slippers, sweatpants, sweatshirts, sweatsocks, or the asexual garments you wear the other 364 days.

I want my cock sucked again, deep throated, like you can't get enough, and when I cum, I want you to savor it like it's Godiva white chocolate. Don't give me that 'it tastes funny'crap; lick it up and suck it up and smile all the way.

I want you fucking me like its the last dick you'll be getting for a while. Acceptable positions are on your knees, on top, doggie style, bent over, hanging from the ceiling, pretty much anything except missionary on the bed. Slap your ass cheeks, rub your clit, pinch your nipples, talk dirty, suck me often, and most importantly, finger your ass. Finger your ass until its ready for my cock, then beg for my cock up your ass and fuck it like you did with your pussy.

When I cum, yes, I'm cumming in your ass. I don't care if you get the runs tomorrow, I am cumming in your ass. Because it feels great. And then I'll fuck your ass until I'm limp and resigned to waiting another 365 days to tap your ass again.

Because Dear Wife, it's Father's Day, my day, and that's what I really want.


PostingID: 76162425

*golfclap*

[BillyG]

A girl I dated called that "Friday." I miss her.

[patronsaintofcheeseburgers]

AWESOME...I want to meet that guy and shake his hand...

[B_Metal]

*copy & pastes for the wife to see next fathers day*

[Abraham Smashington]

[V]

Well... a woman can dream, can't she?

[BillyG]

Hey, Columbus. Nathan, set that shit up!

[Nathan]

I'm about to find you funny.

[nerdious dorkus]

Buckets of Double Rainbow.

Inception themed casual encounter - w4m - 25 (SoHo)

<hr> Date: 2010-08-07, 10:19AM EDT

<hr>
I'm looking for someone to receive the rim job of their lives. I want this to be a special occasion and I want you to come dressed as your favorite character from Inception.

When I start rimming you, you will feel so much intense pleasure that you will be kicked back to a dream world where you can only think of the inferior rim jobs you've had your entire life.

Once you're in that dream world, I'm not going to stop. In fact I am only going to go further. I will plant thoughts of my rim job's superiority deep in your subconscious. My tongue will kick you back into a second dream world, and then a third, and even a fourth.

I can't say much about the first, second, and third dream worlds, but I know that once you reach the fourth there will only be one thing on your mind. You'll remember the time you had when you were a little kid and you went to that one burger place with your family, the one where everyone had a mustache and a hawaiian shirt, and maybe the food wasn't that great but the atmosphere was second to none, and maybe the waiter touched you inappropriately, but that's neither here nor there, because this is all a dream anyway.

I will bring you back up through the dream worlds through a mix of music (Lionel Ritchie) and kicks (my tongue). Seeking volunteers immediately.<!-- START CLTAGS -->
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[Lisa]

When I start rimming you, you will feel so much intense pleasure that you will be kicked back to a dream world where you can only think of the inferior rim jobs you've had your entire life.

(*Sad Panda*) Gee, I don't want to be brought back to all of those bad rim jobs I've had! That's so depressing! Too bad this guy is THAT good that he makes that happen.