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  • #46
    Sounds good Bobby, just make sure no one violates my corpse.
    "Everything is amazing right now and no one is happy" - Louis C.K.

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    • #47
      Dearest Jennifer,

      The war goes well. In the past three weeks, we've managed to take back Charleston from the Biebers, our compatriot from Ireland, Bobby, managed to score his first kills since coming stateside, and Sarge says there's a good chance we'll reach the Carolinas by planting season. We've even received shipments of hardtack and fresh water, along with warm blankets, boots, and much-needed ammo.

      Our victories, however, come with a heavy price. Our newest brother, Ed, succumbed to the enemy advance. The look of horror on his face as a Beiber savaged him stunned us all to a man. None more so than Sarge.

      It was the most awe-inspiring sight any of us would ever see - as Ed fell, Sarge calmly lowered his weapon, grabbed the Bieber before it could feast upon his kill, and with both hands, tore the teen heartthrob asunder. Caked in Beiber blood, with a fury as cold as a brisk, snowy, January morn, Sarge then turned to us. "For Ed" he whispered, then turned and ran towards the oncoming horde. Weapons cocked and loaded, we followed him immediately into the slaughter.

      Forty-five Biebers and a queen were killed that day. Though I wasn't there to see it, it's been rumored that Sarge carved Ed's name into the queen. We would never forget that raw recruit whose sacrifice motivated the entire troop to victory that day. Nor would our enemies, whose tales of that day will surely fill them with fear and dread in the darkest corners of their souls.

      We're all hoping to stem the tide, so that we may return to our families loving embraces soon. My thoughts, my love, will be with you always, as each night I dream of nestling 'mongst your golden locks as I did before the Beibers strode the earth.

      My love to you and our kin,

      Tim (Msgt., Battalion 753 aka "Mooch's Marauders", Charleston, WV)

      Comment


      • #48
        Originally posted by Timothy225 View Post
        Dearest Jennifer,

        The war goes well. In the past three weeks, we've managed to take back Charleston from the Biebers, our compatriot from Ireland, Bobby, managed to score his first kills since coming stateside, and Sarge says there's a good chance we'll reach the Carolinas by planting season. We've even received shipments of hardtack and fresh water, along with warm blankets, boots, and much-needed ammo.

        Our victories, however, come with a heavy price. Our newest brother, Ed, succumbed to the enemy advance. The look of horror on his face as a Beiber savaged him stunned us all to a man. None more so than Sarge.

        It was the most awe-inspiring sight any of us would ever see - as Ed fell, Sarge calmly lowered his weapon, grabbed the Bieber before it could feast upon his kill, and with both hands, tore the teen heartthrob asunder. Caked in Beiber blood, with a fury as cold as a brisk, snowy, January morn, Sarge then turned to us. "For Ed" he whispered, then turned and ran towards the oncoming horde. Weapons cocked and loaded, we followed him immediately into the slaughter.

        Forty-five Biebers and a queen were killed that day. Though I wasn't there to see it, it's been rumored that Sarge carved Ed's name into the queen. We would never forget that raw recruit whose sacrifice motivated the entire troop to victory that day. Nor would our enemies, whose tales of that day will surely fill them with fear and dread in the darkest corners of their souls.

        We're all hoping to stem the tide, so that we may return to our families loving embraces soon. My thoughts, my love, will be with you always, as each night I dream of nestling 'mongst your golden locks as I did before the Beibers strode the earth.

        My love to you and our kin,

        Tim (Msgt., Battalion 753 aka "Mooch's Marauders", Charleston, WV)
        When we get home, I'll stand you to a flagon of home brew, my friend...

        Comment


        • #49
          Originally posted by Timothy225 View Post
          Dearest Jennifer,

          The war goes well. In the past three weeks, we've managed to take back Charleston from the Biebers, our compatriot from Ireland, Bobby, managed to score his first kills since coming stateside, and Sarge says there's a good chance we'll reach the Carolinas by planting season. We've even received shipments of hardtack and fresh water, along with warm blankets, boots, and much-needed ammo.

          Our victories, however, come with a heavy price. Our newest brother, Ed, succumbed to the enemy advance. The look of horror on his face as a Beiber savaged him stunned us all to a man. None more so than Sarge.

          It was the most awe-inspiring sight any of us would ever see - as Ed fell, Sarge calmly lowered his weapon, grabbed the Bieber before it could feast upon his kill, and with both hands, tore the teen heartthrob asunder. Caked in Beiber blood, with a fury as cold as a brisk, snowy, January morn, Sarge then turned to us. "For Ed" he whispered, then turned and ran towards the oncoming horde. Weapons cocked and loaded, we followed him immediately into the slaughter.

          Forty-five Biebers and a queen were killed that day. Though I wasn't there to see it, it's been rumored that Sarge carved Ed's name into the queen. We would never forget that raw recruit whose sacrifice motivated the entire troop to victory that day. Nor would our enemies, whose tales of that day will surely fill them with fear and dread in the darkest corners of their souls.

          We're all hoping to stem the tide, so that we may return to our families loving embraces soon. My thoughts, my love, will be with you always, as each night I dream of nestling 'mongst your golden locks as I did before the Beibers strode the earth.

          My love to you and our kin,

          Tim (Msgt., Battalion 753 aka "Mooch's Marauders", Charleston, WV)
          So. Much. WIN!
          "Fuck Rob. Also, he has a podcast called Podcaust. Edgy Holocaust humor lulz indeed." - The Faraci

          Comment


          • #50
            Tim, apparently I have to spread rep around or some such nonsense. Nonetheless, awesome!
            Mortal Sin is a registered trademark of the One Holy Catholic & Apostolic Church. Hallelujah. ~Iggy

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            • #51
              Originally posted by ingrid View Post
              Tim, apparently I have to spread rep around or some such nonsense. Nonetheless, awesome!
              Same problem here, sister! The unfairness of it all - for yeah, verily, that was fabulous!
              2012 Avatar Theme - LADIES FROM THE GOLDEN AGE OF HOLLYWOOD. January: Ava Gardner.

              INSTANT HAPPINESS - just click!

              Comment


              • #52
                WORLD WAR B
                Originally posted by Martin
                Who the fuck is Kellan Lutz?
                Originally posted by gravedigger
                Basically what I'm saying is that, based on what I've watched so far, we should all listen to Matt more often.
                Originally posted by Martin
                And who the FUCK is Peaches Geldof?
                Kellan Lutz's girlfriend?

                Comment


                • #53
                  Tim's fictional letter reminded me of the "Rules Of Ranging" we had to memorize in Ranger School...

                  Granted, they're almost 300 years old, but they're still useful.

                  1. Don't forget nothing.

                  2. Have your musket clean as a whistle, hatchet scoured, sixty rounds powder and ball, and be ready to march at a minute's warning.

                  3. When you're on the march, act the way you would if you was sneaking up on a deer. See the enemy first.

                  4. Tell the truth about what you see and what you do. There is an army depending on us for correct information. You can lie all you please when you tell other folks about the Rangers, but don't never lie to a Ranger or officer.

                  5. Don't never take a chance you don't have to.

                  6. When we're on the march we march single file, far enough apart so one shot can't go through two men.

                  7. If we strike swamps, or soft ground, we spread out abreast, so it's hard to track us.

                  8. When we march, we keep moving till dark, so as to give the enemy the least possible chance at us.

                  9. When we camp, half the party stays awake while the other half sleeps.

                  10. If we take prisoners, we keep 'em separate till we have had time to examine them, so they can't cook up a story between 'em.

                  11. Don't ever march home the same way. Take a different route so you won't be ambushed.

                  12. No matter whether we travel in big parties or little ones, each party has to keep a scout 20 yards ahead, 20 yards on each flank, and 20 yards in the rear so the main body can't be surprised and wiped out.

                  13. Every night you'll be told where to meet if surrounded by a superior force.

                  14. Don't sit down to eat without posting sentries.

                  15. Don't sleep beyond dawn. Dawn's when the French and Indians attack.

                  16. Don't cross a river by a regular ford.

                  17. If somebody's trailing you, make a circle, come back onto your own tracks, and ambush the folks that aim to ambush you.

                  18. Don't stand up when the enemy's coming against you. Kneel down, lie down, hide behind a tree.

                  19. Let the enemy come till he's almost close enough to touch, then let him have it and jump out and finish him up with your hatchet.

                  And before you ask... yes. We all had hatchets. I still have mine.

                  http://www.armorysupply.com/merchant...tid=192&step=4

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                  • #54
                    that's pretty awesome, Vin.
                    Originally posted by Martin
                    Who the fuck is Kellan Lutz?
                    Originally posted by gravedigger
                    Basically what I'm saying is that, based on what I've watched so far, we should all listen to Matt more often.
                    Originally posted by Martin
                    And who the FUCK is Peaches Geldof?
                    Kellan Lutz's girlfriend?

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Vin, please tell me you've snuck out of camp at night to take enemy scalps a'la Legends of the Fall.
                      "Fuck Rob. Also, he has a podcast called Podcaust. Edgy Holocaust humor lulz indeed." - The Faraci

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Originally posted by Ed Hocken View Post
                        Sounds good Bobby, just make sure no one violates my corpse.
                        Goes without saying, man. It's the least I can do for the aforementioned squelching.

                        Originally posted by Timothy225 View Post
                        Dearest Jennifer,

                        The war goes well. In the past three weeks, we've managed to take back Charleston from the Biebers, our compatriot from Ireland, Bobby, managed to score his first kills since coming stateside, and Sarge says there's a good chance we'll reach the Carolinas by planting season....
                        I laughed, very nearly crying in the process!

                        Originally posted by V View Post
                        And before you ask... yes. We all had hatchets. I still have mine.
                        Beyond pimp.

                        EDIT: that's now V and Tim done out of rep because they keep hoarding it all!
                        "The bear is a solitary animal. They like their space. They live in a magic circle. They don't mind if you're, like, a mile away. But if you get inside their circle, they will maul you." - Anonymous

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                        • #57
                          LOL! Awww, they're busting on my idol!

                          2012 Avatar Theme - LADIES FROM THE GOLDEN AGE OF HOLLYWOOD. January: Ava Gardner.

                          INSTANT HAPPINESS - just click!

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            Yes, but on Pink it looks GOOD.

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                            • #59
                              I know, the girl can rock that cut! Which just goes to show you - the Bieber totally has a girl's hair-do! As do all the little boys who model themselves after him!
                              2012 Avatar Theme - LADIES FROM THE GOLDEN AGE OF HOLLYWOOD. January: Ava Gardner.

                              INSTANT HAPPINESS - just click!

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                I imagine everyone here has seen the website called "Lesbians who look like Justin Beiber"?

                                If not, Go ahead and take a look.
                                "Everything is amazing right now and no one is happy" - Louis C.K.

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